Road to CapeTown 2010: I’m Afraid

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It’s strange the things that happen to a person when she’s on the brink of something big. I’m off to Cape Town 2010 this Thursday. I know Jesus is preparing me. I know He will change me. I will meet persecuted believers from around the world. I will rub shoulders with on-fire leaders, devoted Christ-followers. I am thrilled.

And I’m afraid.

Afraid because I’ll be alone. Afraid because I don’t know what to expect. Afraid because I keep remembering (oddly) about my wallflower days in junior high, skirted along the edges of the gym floor, begging to be seen, horrified if I am. My insecurity is at raging heights right now. I’ve been remembering so many moments where I’ve been on the outside, worried about what people think, desperately afraid I’ll be embarrassed.

Why is all this happening right now? Perhaps this is part of spiritual warfare, this reminding of what I wasn’t. This fear of being outcasted.

I’ll be surrounded by several thousand Christians, focused on the task of global evangelism, and here I am bothered by myself.

Lord, Jesus, help me see above myself, my fears, my insecurities to Your greater purpose, Your expanding kingdom. Help me to serve, to revel in being unnoticed, to rest in obscurity. I need to stay in that place of dependence. Thank You for being with me even to the ends of the earth. I love You. I need You.

There’s a song that has really blessed me over the past few years by Starfield called Alive in this Moment. It’s my prayer for my stay in Cape Town. I want to be alive in the moment. Right now. Right here. Concentrating well on the person in front of me. Would you pray for me for that end? And in the meantime, dare to worship along with this song:

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