I Wanted to be Wanted | Lauren Huss

Jun 8, 2013Find joy today, Heal from the past

I’m thankful to have Lauren Huss sharing with us today. She is a purposeful woman who sees her life as a vessel for serving others. She is a rebel when it comes to cultural trends and believes that pleasing an audience of One is all that matters. Her passion for her Heavenly Father and His redeeming work in her life has been the fire that has motivated her to help others see how God can take any life, regardless of circumstances or past failures, and turn it into a life worth writing about. Her desire is to mentor women in their journey of character building, marriage, motherhood, spiritual growth and coping with chronic pain. You can find her nested in the heart of the beautiful Napa Valley with her wonderful, growing family. She is currently working on her first book and also writing on this blog.

The words of Taylor Swift keep floating through my mind.

“When you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.”

Fifteen wasn’t magical for me…neither was fourteen, or even thirteen…back when I made my first mistake.
Fifteen was when I reaped what I had sown…or so I believed at the time.

Looking back, almost thirty years now, it hardly even seems like a memory. More like a story about a total stranger that I heard along the way; the details are faded, somewhat blended together like the words on those concert t-shirts I wore to shreds.

I like to think of that time that way…distant, detached…unconnected to my heart, to who I am now. That little girl has gone forever…or so I thought…until I had my own little girl.

How could I protect her from making the same mistakes I made, from feeling the same pain I felt without confessing my shame? I knew that she would never think of me the same, that her innocent image of me would be eroded, but I also knew that she must know that good girls can get sucked into doing bad things, and that could lead to very dangerous and painful circumstances.

Taylor sings:

“When all you wanted was to be wanted… Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now.”

All of the old feelings of anxiety rushed back as I thought of how I should tell her what I know now. And the old familiar voice of guilt taunted me…”You asked for it…you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself…you deserved it…what does it matter?

I was a good girl! I went to church on Sunday. I volunteered. I got good grades in school. I obeyed my mom and tried not to cause her any grief like my father and sister continually seemed to.

But I wanted to be wanted…and I didn’t know then, what I know now.

When I was thirteen, I believed the lie. “If you love me, you will…” So I did.

I knew it was wrong. But I believed him. He said we would be together forever. We weren’t. I didn’t know then how that one mistake would just be the beginning in a long string.

When that relationship ended, there was another. He was fun…at first…took the sting out of my broken heart. I didn’t expect to give in to him, but I did. I had already done the unthinkable. I was already tainted. It was too late, and I couldn’t get back my virginity.

After awhile, I began to feel this sick feeling every time I was with him. I knew I needed out. “Couldn’t we just go on one last date?” He coaxed, “I already bought the tickets to that concert you have been wanting to go to.”

I agreed…and the next Saturday we went.

The concert was great from what I remember. He went out and got me a few sodas…or what I thought was soda.

Suddenly so sleepy, I vaguely remember walking out of the theatre. Then nothing…

Until I woke up in a hotel room to find him…

I screamed, tried to get away, but he was strong and finished what he started. Still spinning from my “soda” and horrified from what happened, I cried. He smugly said he thought I wanted it.

I woke up the next morning shaking. I felt sick to my stomach and guilty, wondering to myself, if I brought that on?

My rational brain would tell me, “No, that was wrong…that was rape.” But I still couldn’t shake the dirty guilt.

A year had passed when the phone rang after midnight. The sound of his deep velvety voice slithered into my ear, my heart plummeted to my toes…I started shaking uncontrollably but strangely, I couldn’t hang up the phone.

“How have you been?” He asked.

“Why are you calling?” I managed to breathe out.

“I wanted to apologize.”

“You what?”

“You see, I didn’t want to lose you…” He began. “…I put something in your soda…I was hoping to get you pregnant so you would have to marry me.” I was shocked! Speechless!

“You didn’t, did you? Get pregnant, I mean?”

“No. Thank God.” I heard myself whisper.

“I’m very sorry for what I did.” He said matter of factly.

“Do you think you could ever forgive me?” He continued. Mad… Scared… Relieved. He admitted it! It wasn’t my fault after all!

I managed to push out a weak “OK.” Then I hung up the phone.

“I wanted to get you pregnant so you would have to marry me…” kept floating through my mind.

“Oh, Dear God! Thank You for rescuing me from that!” I prayed out loud that night and thousands of times since…for that and several other messes I found myself in later.

Unfortunately, I still continued to make poor boy decisions…year after year…until at nineteen, God introduced me to my wonderful husband.

God has always been faithful…even when I wasn’t faithful to Him. The Perfect Father to replace the one that wasn’t. A Love so unconditional; He met me where I was, and loved me enough not to leave me there. Over and over again, all through my life, He has rescued me.

Taylor sings:

“When all you wanted was to be wanted… Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now.”

I would tell myself:

That God always wanted me…no matter what! Always!

That’s what I told my daughter, too.