One of the thin places of my life was literally the thinnest place I’d ever been. Not only was it a place, it was also a number…84. I vividly remember the scale telling me my weight on that particular day. I rejoiced. With every pound I shed, I felt like I was gaining an identity. But curled up beside a heater in my bedroom, my body was shutting down. Survival was my body’s only focus. Identity was only an illusion.
Strangely, it was in this place, I felt someone wrapping His arms around me. In my heart, I knew I had caused this sickness. I had wanted it. I had worked for it. I wanted my own way. During that season, being thin was the only way I felt in control.
Holding my knees close to my chest, I cried out to God in the most selfish prayer, “God, I like this place. I like being skinny. I cannot change. I won’t. You are going to have to do it.” This was not a typical pretty prayer filled with nice phrases like, “I surrender to you Lord,” or “I give you my life,” or “I desire your will Jesus.” Nope. It was the honest, ugly truth.
I wanted sin.
But in that thin place I was blinded to the truth…God wanted me.
He wanted me so bad He would do whatever it took to reach down into my thin place and wrap His arms around me.
In that moment, I thought I heard His voice, “Don’t worry my girl, I will do it.” But all the darkness and confusion that filled my mind made it difficult for me to know if that was really God.
Although it took years of making my own choices to get me into this place, it took one move of God to bring me out.
The day I reached my lowest weight was also the day I looked in the mirror and saw only fat hanging off every part of my body, but it was also the day God broke through.
My heart, mind, body, and soul were covered by a dark cloud of lies. I could not see up from down, love from hate, life from death. And worst of all I could not see God. But then…
God met me.
In my sin.
In my shame.
In my denial.
In my sickness.
His love became real when my deep longing met His unfailing desire for me.
He turned my thin place around. It was no longer a number on the scale. But that thin place became a point in my life where I distinctly remember saying, “I will never doubt again! God is real!”
Darkness cowered in fear as He revealed my identity: a daughter of the King. I was defined by my position in Him. Nothing could separate me from His love, not even my own sin.
He loves me now as He did that thin place. Even though I am healed, I want to remain in that thin place, knowing I will always belong to Him. His arms are wrapped around me for eternity.