On my run last week (yep, I need to have more than one run!), I prayed, cried, and prayed some more. I’d received hard news about a publishing dream, so I languished, fretted and grieved.
Of course I know all about sovereignty, as in God’s ownership and orchestration over my life (and yours). But again, my praxis (the practical living out of that belief) fell short. As tears kept springing from my eyes, even though I told them NOT to, I sensed Jesus say, “I am the Gatekeeper of your career. Trust Me.”
Oh, yes, that.
He is the gatekeeper.
Of my (your) dreams. Of my (your) ambitions. Of my (your) career. Of my (your) ministry.
Nothing happens in this life without it first filtering through the hands of our Creator.
Still, the pessimistic, untrusting side of me wonders a little. How did Jesus feel when He saw me get excited about this opportunity? Did He try to tell me to calm down because He knew what was coming? If so, I sure didn’t sense that. Did He rejoice that I would suffer a setback? Did He grieve as I heard the No?
I’d like to think He did. And I have to think that in His sovereignty, He smiled. Because He knows my outcome. He knows my heart. He knows what is best for my soul. And this opportunity, shiny as it was, with bells and whistles aplenty, was not His desire for me.
That helps me as I grieve and move forward.
But, to be very honest, I’m still in the grief stage and would greatly appreciate your prayers. I hesitated at first to write this honest post. I worried about what you would think of me. Or that you’d tell me to buck up. (Maybe I should). I’ve determined to be honest here, to show you my heart, even the painful parts, the disappointments.
Here is what I know. If God has given you a dream, tuck that away in your heart. Write it down. Collect mementos that help you remember His calling (cards from others, emails, words spoken over you) so that when that calling is tested, you will persevere anyway.
I know God called me to write (Click here to see if you are). He calls me today to write. He has not revoked that call. So I write. It may be that I write unpublished words (in the traditional sense), but still, I write. I speak too. God has called me to speak. I don’t speak often, but when I do, I take it very seriously.
I may not ever write a bestseller. I may not ever stand before a bustling crowd of people. I may not ever see the fulfillment of some untold dreams. But God is sovereign over all. And really, when you think about it, all that matters are these simple words:
Well done, good and faithful servant.