I woke up this morning with that sickly feeling of regret, of shame.
And then I wallowed in it, nursed the words, called myself names.
Can you relate? Have you ever abused your mind and heart this way?
Here’s the silly thing, honestly. It was about a purchase I regretted that cost $70.72. A lot of money, but not enough to berate myself relentlessly about. (Besides, there is a remedy. It’s called TAKE IT BACK). But that’s not the point. The point is what goes on in my head after regret.
Words like, how could you? Why did you do that? Why can’t you learn? What is wrong with you?
It blankets me in heavy, folks. Those mean-girl words sink into my soul, and I’ve trained my soul to soak them up, coddle them, BELIEVE them.
I am learning, slowly (obviously because I’m processing here). Learning that what I think about myself is not what God thinks of me. It’s not what my friends think of me. Not what my family jumps to when they consider me. My worth is settled already by the sacrifice of the One who bore the weight of mean words times one billion. He carried my words of shame, yours, theirs.
If my worth is based on what I think about myself when I fail, I will shrink into pain. But if it’s based on the love of Another, I will rest in the embrace of the God who is FOR me, who forgives and sets my path aright.
Friend, dear friend, know this: Jesus’ affection trumps the angry, cynical, barbed words you aim at yourself. Perhaps 2015 can become the year you’re finally kind to yourself, give yourself the grace you give your friends when they fail. Perhaps you can begin to live in light of what God says instead of what Bully You speaks over you life when you don’t meet your own expectations.
I am God’s child. (You are His, too). I am worth far more than a $70.72 mistake. I don’t need to live in this day with heavy shame. I can walk freely, forgiven, clean-slated.
How about you? Does this post resonate with you? Have you ever done this? Or am I simply a crazy person who talks to herself about her unworth? I’m curious…