I’ve had people wonder about my past, and how I didn’t rebel in my teen years and following. One explanation is that when I met Jesus at fifteen, I was so surprised, shocked and enamored by His redemption of me (and that He wanted me), that I couldn’t imagine doing something to break His heart. Not to say I didn’t sin because I did. But when I sinned I felt awful.

But as I look at my life now and the heart I long to have for Jesus, I have some fallacy in my thinking. I cannot comprehend that Jesus would love me if I became a major screw up. If I rebelled, I don’t believe He would like or love me.

This is a huge problem.

Now don’t worry about me, or whether I’m going to go all crazy and rebel to test my theory. I won’t, Lord willing.

But pray for me, that I would truly, truly understand the beautiful freshness and reality of God’s love that pursues repentant prodigals and loves every single person on this earth, even the folks who don’t give a rip about Him.

I do want to believe God’s love is bigger than mine. I do want to live in light of that kind of grace. But it’s still hard for me to understand.