To You: I’m Sorry

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I am learning.

I am learning that pursuing Jesus and His will is different than blindly following advice. (Of course it’s good to follow advice. Proverbs tell us this, but that’s not the same as obeying advice without first weighing it).

In my career, I am seeing that I could submit myself to all the tasks associated with writing and speaking, so much so that the treadmill of this would break me, wear my soul clear out.

I am realizing that God’s economy is flipped. It is entirely different than the way this world applauds. God blesses small, while the world applauds big, splashy, more. And in this realization, I cling to the idea that little is much in His hands.

He is the One who takes tiny seeds, allows them to break apart and die beyond all hope of life, and then sprouts the seed until it grows into something the seed cannot take credit for.

I confess that I have spent a great deal of time, money and energy on artificially germinating the seed. And God has said, “If you do all this, when the emaciated sprout emerges from the ground, all you’ll have to say is, ‘Look what I did.’”

But if I die to the way I think things should go, if I lay down my agenda, if I welcome all those little deaths—even death to my dreams—God brings His impossible resurrection. And when I look back on what He has done, all I can do is point to His power and my weakness.

Writing and speaking has laid me flat. It has chewed me up and regurgitated my soul. (Sorry for the visual). It has shown me the more difficult parts of myself—that I run to comfort like an idol, that I quickly chase gurus who tell me what I’m supposed to do to be successful in this business while neglecting hearing the voice of God. It has exposed my pride.

So I’m grateful for this journey, but I would be walking in sheer disobedience if I continued the way I have been. God has been very clear. It’s time for repentance and dependence—to turn away from the way I’ve done things (where I trust in systems more than a Savior) toward trusting God for everything.

To my readers and those who have listened to me speak, would you consider praying for this new direction? This last summer I’ve made a determination to slow down and really listen for God’s guidance, to stop favoring the voices of others over the King of kings.

You know what? It’s been 100% peaceful. Instead of running around like a crazy writer-speaker, adding tasks to my to-do list because I feel I have to do make it in this business, I am stopping and asking God to direct me.

The freedom I have found is beyond words. I can’t describe it in a post. But I’m so grateful.

He will lead.

He will bring the increase as He wills.

He will open closed doors and close seemingly open ones.

He will act in ways counterintuitive to the world’s system of fame, acclaim, and building a reputation. He is a good Father who knows what is best for my soul.

I am content.

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