Truth: Actually that One Time = My Whole Life.
Ever feel that way?
I often feel small. Overlooked. Unhinged.
One event sticks out. There were Important People milling about. Gatekeeper folks who could make or break my career with one word. And like a typical insecure girl, I secretly longed for approval. Sure I knew my security was based solely on the completed work of Jesus Christ, but that truth had yet to make the trek from head to heart.
I needed to be recognized. I wanted someone to champion my talent. I believed that Important People held the key to my sweet future.
I didn’t preen. I tried very hard not to attract attention. But I did work hard in the setting, wishing for a nod.
But that nod didn’t come. Instead the affirmation went to another girl. Lavish praise. Spotlight. Shiny, shiny adoration.
So I did what I felt all along.
I cried my insecurities out. Told God how I felt. Broke under the weight of my seeming insatiable need to be recognized by the Important People. Frustrated at my viral insecurity that never seemed to go away no matter how many times I tried to stave it off.
The irony of the entire event: the girl who garnered the praise didn’t go on to write books, make speeches, become All That. She continued her life as she had in the past, faithfully serving Jesus out of the limelight.
And I walked away from that event feeling sad that I needed approval so much, and with a prayer on my lips that God would please become that solid security I’d been longing for.
That was three years ago now.
Sadly, I’m still insecure.
But I am less so than I was in that moment, and for that sweetness, I applaud Jesus.
It’s a long trek for me. Perhaps it’s my besetting sin. That I need applause and approval to feel okay. That I must somehow prove to God and others that it was okay that He made me. Proving my worth has been my occupation my entire life.
I need to quit that job.
Because the truth is, I am loved. Even when people don’t like me. Even when I’m overlooked. Even when I fail. Even when my to-do list lies dormant. Even when I disappoint myself. Even when success eludes me. In all those places, no matter how small I feel, the raucous truth is Jesus loves me. (And He loves you.)
Insecure me struggles to rest there.