As a mom, a foster mom, and an adoptive mom, God set me out on a journey several years ago to explore my beginnings. I came into this world belonging to a high school mother who had an affair with a separated, but still married, man and father of two. I am the product of two people who made very poor choices that left lives forever changed.
I often wondered what my birth must have been like for my mother back in 1969. What should have been a joyous, celebratory occasion was in fact a painful experience that caused her to become a social stigma, outcast and another teenage pregnancy statistic.
Four years ago I became an adoptive mother. I began to think of the questions my daughter may someday ask about her birth and entry into this world. It was the beginning of my journey to answer the same questions about my life.
So here I was, in my late 30’s, exploring who my father was, why had he not cared enough to be a part of my life and why had he always denied paternity? I had my adoption records unsealed with the help of an attorney. Low and behold, my adoption records clearly named the man who my mother always stated was my father. Even more real was his signature at the bottom of the documents permanently signing away any rights to a relationship with me or paternity claims on me.
After battling with God over what my next step would be I relented and wrote this man a letter. I told him that I knew who he was, I had a good life, and I respected my mom for raising me. I wanted him to know I was happy. I also asked for the medical history of his side of the family.
Several months later I received a certified, typed, single spaced, four page letter full of hatred that took my breath away. How could a person be so cruel? To summarize, he doesn’t care. I have never crossed his mind. He claims no responsibility because he didn’t rape the willing. Life would have been better off with me being aborted pieces of flesh in a trash can. Wow.
After months of processing, praying and giving thanks over the life I was given, God revealed to me, “You are NOT a mistake. You may not have been planned by your earthly parents but I created you on purpose. I created you with the exact circumstances I need for you to fulfill my work and will. You have been created by your heavenly FATHER not your early father. I created you for a relationship with ME. I have created you just the perfect way I needed you. Don’t place your value on human acceptance. Accept my love for you and know I have made NO mistake in you.”
So each day I get to love my kids (birth, foster or adopted) I have comfort in knowing GOD WANTED ME!!!! I can celebrate my life knowing God wanted me, me, me. In the end…. it is a wonderful thin place.
Thank you, God.