We’ve been through a lot this year. I try to downplay it in my mind, try to rationalize it all or say it wasn’t that big of a deal. But it was a lot. Job loss for Patrick (he now has a job!!!), job redirection for me, plus a few painful relational issues, a daughter graduating, our possible move (we’re staying put, but for a time we thought we’d move far from Texas)–all these things mix together into a stress stew I grew tired of eating.
I launched Worth Living. I launched (essentially) the Restory Conference. I am launching a new business (news to come soon). I continued to work on the Restory Show. In the midst of that I wrote a book in a month and a half. It was a devotional, the typical kind with a scripture, a devotional thought, and a prayer. I figured that counted as my time with God. But it didn’t really.
I had several questions during the last six months. Big ones rolling around in my mind without an answer–questions about injustice and villains and perpetrators getting away with things. I had a personal crisis (of sorts) that involved wrestling with past memories and trying to understand why some don’t see things the way I see them. (I think we all go through this).
So here I am today.
Tired. And feeling like God is a million light years away.
I know the cliches.
I know I should ask, “Who moved?” And likely, it’s me.
Usually during these times, I can worship my way out of the funk. I had a glimpse of that last week in church, a tender connection to God through song that ministered to me. But once I sang the last note, the doubts and fatigue returned, along with that same longing to feel close to Jesus and hear His voice.
This is not a post about the five things we must do to get closer to Jesus. It’s simply an honest post about where I am and how I feel.
I know the truth–that God is everywhere, and even so–He loves me. I do rest on that rock-like truth. But I’m so dang tired. And I feel achy to hear from Him, to know He sees me, to be rejuvenated by the Spirit.
Hopefully during the rest of July I will find the soul rest I need to reconnect with Him. That’s my prayer. I’d so appreciate your prayers for me as well. (And if you feel similarly, please share in the comments, and I’ll respond by praying back).