From a reader of my recent posts about boundaries in relationships . . . about predators

Jun 11, 2009Heal from the past

From Iona–a guest post by a blog reader:

Here are some lessons I’m finding must be taken to heart. These apply to perpetrators in general.

1. Touch Tests: A perpetrator will test your reception of his presence. A perpetrator may be attentive to the story of your past. He may wink as he evaluates your response to his presence. Testing may be in the form of a slight touch of the fingers or hands, or a hug. In I Corinthians 7:1, Paul exhorts man not to touch a woman, and perhaps men instinctively know that a woman is sexually aroused by touch. The solution, then, is not to allow yourself to be touched.

2. Words: A perpetrator may refer to your special relationship verbally. He may say things like, “I believe in you, your work, in us, or in our special relationship.” What he is really saying is that you are a prime rib in his eyes. He only needs to find a barbeque grill in which to light the fire, then start smacking his lips in anticipation.

3. Places: A perpetrator may ask you to meet in a private room, behind closed doors, or away from the crowd. Wise feet will walk in the opposite direction and stay in the crowd. Find a female friend and stay close.

4. Actions: A perpetrator may display pride in self, or be unwilling to admit error. He may refer to his own needs, desires, and plans, but has no time to consider your emotional health and well-being. And he never makes a mistake. He may offer free editing or advice, but never an apology for his inappropriate actions. The person who claims to have no sin deceives himself and makes God a liar. God’s word is not in that person (1 John 1:8,10).

5. Instructions: A perpetrator may say not to tell anyone, or that no one else needs to know. Make the effort to tell. The power of a secret is in the keeping of it.

6. Marriage: A perpetrator may mention an unhappy or unfulfilled marriage relationship. As he shares, be aware that he has not heeded Paul’s warning in I Corinthians 7. Satan tempts marriage partners who deprive each other of their togetherness.

Within marriage, my husband:

  • protects me
  • prays for me
  • loves me
  • is my pal – companion

In the same way, Jesus:

  • protects me, 1 Thess 5:23
  • prays for me, John 17
  • loves me, John 3:16
  • promises to never leave me, Hebrews 13:5

A perpetrator:

  1. looks out for himself, his desires, his dreams
  2. cannot pray
  3. loves himself, is not self-controlled, does not put needs of the other first
  4. often abuses, then is gone. This person is not a companion, but a thief.

NOTE from Mary: Keep in mind perpetrators can be male or female….