It’s been one of the most challenging, unsettling weeks of my life, the kind where you feel everything’s been thrown heavenward, then spilled onto the ground in strange, confusing heaps.
Shock is still circling around my brain, and I have a hard time thinking.
I wish I could be more forthcoming, but I have a feeling that many of you have been in this kind of disconcerting place before. So maybe vagaries will help us all feel like we can have fellowship, those of us who feel the ground shift beneath our feet.
Today we had repairmen in the house for a long-needed stair fix. In order to work, they had to keep the back door open, which made the house cold. You need to know this about me: I am always cold. So today I wore a coat and scarf all day, and my shoulders had that tensed up feeling that comes from not being quite warm. It’s like I nearly shivered every minute, but held back, leaving tension to reign.
That tension remains, even after the heat warms the house. I still wear my coat.
In times like this, when my fatigue and stress battle for victory, I try to be awesome. I try to be super Christian. But to be honest, I’ve defaulted back to fear instead of trust. I’m Peter, barely holding the gaze of Jesus as I step into unfamiliar waters and sink. I look far more at the waves at my feet, my ankles, my calves, my thighs than I do at the One who created water.
But in the back of my mind, I try to remind myself of the faithfulness of God. That He is the God who sees me, us, you. He understands our weaknesses. He is strong in our frailty. He stays close to the broken. And in this shifting, bewildering place, I actually have an advantage over the Mary-Who-Had-It-All-Together. That Mary didn’t need Jesus much.
But this Mary? Honey, she needs JESUS.
Every ounce of Him, His love, His power, His direction, His strength, His words of affirmation, His presence. I flat out need Him.
So maybe it’s okay to live in the land of the unsettled. Because maybe that means I can settle my soul into His embrace, while I look at the heaps around me, lick my wounds, and remind myself of His faithfulness.
What about you? Have you been through a disconcerting season lately? What helped you walk through it?