Confession: I freak out.

Dec 3, 2010Find joy today

Oh I may appear mild mannered. But there are times when I let life’s circumstances get the best of me. Today, for instance. I’m battling lethargy and stress in writing this spiritual warfare book. (It’s actually going pretty well, considering.) And I’m not up to par healthwise. Top that off with eating far too many carbs lately and not running in the mornings, and you have a recipe for Mary disaster.

So I check my blog this morning and get redirected to Google instead. I tried logging in. Same thing. My blog had disappeared (at least to me). What did I do? Did I pray? No. I freaked. Then vented on my amazing web guru Thomas who must’ve thought me fit for an insane asylum. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I sent way too many texts, frantic for a solution.

When he said everything looked fine on his end, I moved to Twitter and asked folks if they could see my site, which they could. Thankfully, folks there told me to clear my cache (as did Thomas) and restart. Voila! Everything accessible.

I wish I could say that I am the epitome of peace and joy every day. But I’m not. I let silly computer issues tangle with my happiness. I vent about that way too much. There have been times when, pushed to my limit, I’ve lashed out at people.

This brings me back to the book of Proverbs which offers some good advice for freak-out people like myself:

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29, ESV).

Ouch. Lord, forgive me for my quick-tempered responses. I don’t want to exalt folly.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” (Proverbs 15:18, ESV).

I want to be one who quiets contention, not kindles it. Help me to slow down enough today to take a breath, pray, and quiet myself.

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32, ESV).

Lord, I want to rule my spirit better. Please forgive me. Help me learn what it means to rule my spirit with wisdom.

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” (Proverbs 17:27, ESV).

Lord, give me a cool spirit. But more than that, help me develop that spirit through the power of your Holy Spirit. Help me hold my tongue, too.

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.” (Proverbs 20:3, ESV).

Lord, when it looks like fun to join in someone’s anger toward someone else, restrain me. Help me to value peace and quiet above my own opinions or delight in gossip.

“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” (Proverbs 25:28, ESV).

Lord, I don’t want to live wall-less. I’ve felt broken into before. Help me understand the correlation between my lack of self control and an enemy invading.

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).

Lord, help me understand that authenticity isn’t giving full vent to whatever’s on my mind. Help me hold back my words, consider them, pray over them, before I release them.

Maybe it’s time for me to camp in Proverbs a while, to free myself from freaking. Thomas, I’m sorry freaked today. Please forgive me. And remind me when I’m walking down the freak-out path. May it be that I discern my tendency beforehand instead, and let my words fly to Jesus first and not to others.


When was the last time you freaked out? What happened? What did you learn about yourself?