If you’d like to hear me answer this question, click on over at the Uncaged Podcast here.
I too have found myself angry at God lately…and I have found it to be confusing because I know my need for Him and my love for Him, but as I start this healing process I find that my confidence in Him is so badly shaken. I listen to our pastor during worship service and preaching as he mentions the goodness of God, and I feel myself just shut down. I have 3 little ones. My baby girl started school this year and I am suppose to trust her safety and protection into the hands of my God who seemingly picks and chooses who he protects.
My heart is broken. I don’t want to be angry or distrust my savior but that’s where I am.
Thanks for letting me throw that out there!
I’m so thankful you shared your heart, JS. You are so very, very normal. If it helps at all, I did write a post about how to help prevent sexual abuse in your children here. An excerpt:
Remember that abusers seldom look like criminals or creeps. They often appear trustworthy and upstanding. Predators operate by getting kids (and often parents) to trust them. They offer gifts. They seem to love like Jesus does—to an extreme extent. They spend lots of time with kids, and work hard at currying favor with them. There’s a tension here, though. Don’t become so immobilized that you never let your kids be kids. You don’t want to raise a fear-based child. Still, err on the side of trusting your instincts.
I also wrote a lot about what you struggle with here in my book Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing After Sexual Abuse:
When we’ve been violated ourselves, particularly as children, it’s very difficult to see God as good. This gets worse when we become parents and we think, “If I knew my child was suffering sexual abuse, I would do anything in my power to stop it.” And yet, God did NOT stop our abuse. This makes us rightly question His goodness because a good parent protects his children.
I wish I had a more positive answer for you, other than to say your wrestling is normal. Eventually I came to a Job-like place where I realized I didn’t know everything about the universe, nor did I orchestrate anyone’s stories. And I had a shortsighted view of how any of this pain worked itself out on the shores of eternity.
I can say this, however. I am a different person having experienced abuse. And although I wish it on NO ONE EVER, I am grateful that God is big enough to heal me to the extent that I can bear the weight of other people’s stories.
With my children, I had to release them into God’s hands, knowing there were no guarantees in this life that they’d be injury free. I hate that. But that’s part of this terrible fallen world we’re born into.
The paramount truth is God is good. But it’s also very, very hard to come to a place of solace about His goodness.