My Worth

I had a terrible dream last night.

First of all, in the dream I was a man! How strange!

And then I dreamed I was taking my temperature (still as a man) and it was one of those old thermometers with mercury inside. It broke in my mouth. I could feel the mercury sliding down my throat as I weakened and my mind went fuzzy. I’m sure this is not medically accurate, but from that time forth, I was mentally incapable of stringing words together. I became a janitor and I drooled. I had this terrible feeling that I was worth nothing because I could no longer communicate.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had some crummy job things happen lately. This writing/publishing business is amazing and difficult all mixed together in one humble pie. Sometimes I soar on the wings of anticipation–I know, that sounds like I’m Anne of Green Gables!–and other times like yesterday, I feel I’m mucking through the dregs of stress.

I know my worth shouldn’t be based on whether or not I communicate well (or drool), as in my dream. Nor should it be based on other professional’s opinions of me. But some days it’s hard to make that distinction. When someone treats me like I’m unworthy, by golly, I end up feeling that way.

I know I need to fling that nonsense off like a too-hot coat in summer. I know.

I also know my worth is based, not on what people say or do, but on Jesus and His sweet opinion of me. I know that. It’s just that sometimes stinging words sting.

I’m thankful I received a very lovely and kind email today, totally unsolicited. I felt like it was the salve of God, those words:

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! I just finished reading another ‘chapter’ in
Ordinary Mom this morning. I’m a 67-year-old wife-mom-Nanny-etc. who wants to tell you how much I thank God for you. On Wednesdays I work with 3 and 4 year olds in AWANA. On Sunday evenings, a younger, single Mom and I lead a small class of Moms who want to learn how to “build on the Rock”. We discovered you in an article called Soul Glue published in the January issue of Home Life magazine. I could write much more but I’m just thankful to be able to tell you that God is working in a small farm community and using resources like His gifts in you to accomplish His purposes. Isn’t He wonderful!”

Yes, God is wonderful. Although my heart is a bit bruised and battered from this crazy industry, He is using my words to touch others. For that, I can be thankful. And rest in His love. And know in His eyes, it’s all worth it.

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