Out of the nest for me equals out of the boat.  I had my battle with complacency recently.  He sure did have to rock the boat hard to get me out.  Yet, I am finding that daily I make more strides on the water toward Him, as long as I leave my eyes on Him.  I am really coming out of my boat in writing my book and in the bible study I have to do in pursuing ministry to women throught the local pregnancy support center.  The past is face to face with the present,  and I am in a state of grieving and on my way to healing from incest and abortion.  When the joy comes in the morning, it makes up for the mourning.  So I keep stepping.  I know freedom awaits in true redemption which yeilds His glory.  I just knew He wanted me to pursue a degree in counseling, I was really comfortable with that calling, but He has other plans which are pushing me out on the edge of where I am comfortable water walking.  I begin classes at ORU in May for my Pastoral Degree, and He keeps saying, “It is I, do not be afraid.”

Mary, if the comments below are any indication, you certainly are not alone. I really appreciated your post — you put words to a nameless feeling I’ve been having for the last several months. Reading through the comments, though, my heart hurt again to see how many people have been wounded by the churches that are supposed to be our refuge. won’t bore you with my story, but it’s taken more than five years for me to get to the point where, as you put it, my feathers are starting to feel “fluffed” and the nest is getting itchy. I’m still a little afraid to ask, “What next, God?”

Thank you for your honesty — Mary and all those who’ve commented below.

I said twice last week that my feathers felt ruffled, but I didn’t think about the fact that maybe I’m being pushed out of my nest! Thanks for helping me reframe some of my restless thoughts.

Nice post Mary.  I admire that you are able to appropriately share your pain for the benefit of others. Is “five” your favorite number?  I am on year four, so encouraged that there is only one year left to go for complete healing  Oh, wait a minute, If I had a fresh pain two years ago, does that mean I have 3 more years before I heal?  May all the pains you have suffered and lived to write about, continue to be balm and encouragement in the lives of others. That is what makes it worthwhile, I think – that and the closer relationship with the God of the Universe.

Mary, I got goosebumps as I read this. Oh God’s up to something amazing. Even more than the amazing you’ve been living in the middle of what clearly cut deep in you. So excited to see where He leads you!

Sometimes I feel unworthy of writing or ministering because I have not had the trauma in my life that others have had. Sure, my husband had cancer, I lived through a painful divorce, an unfaithful husband when I was younger, a child who drank too much, but God has been good. Is that trauma enough to be a writer… to shout from the housetop that God is good. I don’t know. I think I still suffer from the insecurities of the unfaithful part even though I have been happily remarried for 29 years. What do I have to offer others, that has  always been my burning question.

My heart is burdened with so much grief right now. I found the most amazing church with the most amazing people and a pastor who really hears from the Lord. In the last four years I have found friendship, growth and joy in a way I have never known. Then suddenly our pastor was called somewhere else and we now have basically a whole different church. We have new “programs”, such as “pew captains” who keep tabs on who sits in their pew (I guess so they can call to find out why there fellow church goers aren’t there?). Everybody has been told to sit in the same spot for a while when they come to church, to make it easier for the “pew captains”, I guess..  The pastor and his wife pay the little kids (ten dollars each!) to come up on the stage and recite Bible verses. The youth pastor pays the kids with gift cards and money to bring visitors with them on Wed nights. The pastor told the congregation last week that “if anybody thinks you know more than me, come talk to me, I’ll tear you up!” (Really??). they have a new “seven point touch” system in place to greet visitors, which involves visiting and buying dinner at your own expense to get them to come back, which if the Lord tells me to do I have no problem with, but what they are doing is bordering on harassment. Oh and there is so much more, I haven’t even begun to touch on it all.  I have shed many tears in the last few weeks over what I should do. My friends don’t seem to understand, don’t see what’s going on, they are just excited about how much money has been raised, about church renovation that will soon be starting. About everybody “having their own ministry” (“Everybody in here will have a ministry, if you have something specific you want to do, then tell me, otherwise don’t complain when I grab you and stick you in a job or ministry you won’t like”) All I can think about is how much I miss the little church that knew the Lord. We were small but we were growing. Now we are packed on a Wed night, but I don’t hear the Word, just a bunch of religious junk. I guess I’m venting a little bit, and for that I apologize, I’m just a wee bit discouraged. 

I am still living in the trauma. It’s been 6 years now, and I thought the end was finally near, but it seems to be dragging on longer than I anticipated. And yet, I keep on keeping on, mining for those diamonds, the treasure that God has in the midst of the ick.

Got my books, by the way! Looking forward to reading them!