What ever happened to chastity?

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What ever happened to chastity?

46 Comments 02 September 2011

In the September issue of Relevant Magazine, there’s an article entitled, “(Almost) Everyone’s Doing It.” The first sentences bothered me: “Eighty-two percent of young, unmarried Christians have had sex. Two-thirds have been sexually active in the last year. Even though, according to a recent Gallup poll, 76 percent of evangelicals believe sex outside of marriage is morally wrong.”

Parenting three teens living in this crazy culture, these stats alarmed me. And I’m not naive. I know folks are having sex. But the staggering majority of Jesus-followers? That surprised me.

It seems we’ve completely disengaged ourselves from Scripture, which is quite clear. And we’ve let what our culture thinks about sex (oh, it’s no big deal) color the way we’ve chosen to live. Instead of submitting our lives to the Lordship of Jesus, we’ve submitted ourselves to our desires, and let them have free reign. We do what is right in our own eyes.

So what’s the big deal? Why is sex outside of marriage wrong? Here are some reasons:

God in His infinite mercy designed sex inside the covenant of marriage. When two people have sex, not only do their bodies become one, but they unite in spirit too. If we have multiple partners, we become one with many people. And when we get married, we can’t help but compare our spouses to our other lovers. This undermines the unity of marriage. Joanna Hyatt, the director of Reality Check, says this. “Studies have shown that if you have multiple physical relationships, then break up, you damage your ability to form a long-term commitment. You train your brain to only do short-term.”
We are valuable, bought with a price–the blood of Jesus Christ. Because we are valuable, we violate that value by connecting ourselves to those who aren’t our spouses.
Because God wants the best for us, He knows that joining to another person sexually outside marriage leads to guilt and deep regret. Although Jesus’ grace covers that sin, it’s still not easy to recover, forgive ourselves, or let go of the images.
God asks His people to be holy, set apart, vibrantly different from the surrounding culture. Hooking up is capitulating to culture.
Chastity is God’s protection for those of us who have been sexually abused. I am utterly thankful I could work out the painful memories of the past in the context of a stable, lifelong commitment than in a relationship that didn’t last.
Having multiple partners endangers our health and sometimes our lives.

I know I probably won’t be popular in this post, calling sex outside of marriage a sin. And I know there are many, many people hurting out there because of their sexual choices over the years. The good news is that God is bigger than our choices, and Jesus’ blood covers our sins. His grace is available. There is hope. And life. And joy. From this moment on, all of us can choose to follow after Jesus, even if it means saying no to our desires. That’s the pure act of discipleship. Jesus doesn’t just call us to hang out with Him, then do whatever we please. He calls for radical obedience, right down to our sexual choices. To dismiss that, we dismiss Him. The question becomes: How much do you really love Jesus? Or do you love your desires more?

Q4U: So what do you think? Where has chastity gone and why has it left?

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http://twitter.com/HeatherHarshman Heather Harshman

Thank you for posting this article, Mary. It is a controversial yet necessary topic to discuss.

My husband and I (married June ’11) chose to wait until marriage before being joined as God intended us to be. We dated for six months and then were engaged for another six months. Those twelve months were trying, enlightening, rewarding, and precious to us because we created a solid foundation for our marriage that was based on love, compassion, understanding, God, and really hearing each other.

Admittedly, abstaining in relationships was not always an easy thing for me. I had to accept two things before I was able to buy into God’s desire for saving sex for my future spouse. First, I am worth waiting for. All of the men in my past who could not agree to having a relationship without sex were not the men God intended for me. Second, my body is a sacred vessel that God wants me to use to influence others through my faith walk. Being in a sexual relationship outside of marriage would hinder my ability to make an impact for God’s Kingdom.

For those who are battling this decision, trust that God will provide you with a mate who is perfectly matched in ALL WAYS. Just follow God’s lead and be willing to wait. I am 36 and my husband is 37 and we are both in our first and only marriage – he was worth the wait, too.
Jeanie

We haven’t practiced what we’ve preached. The church has exhibited unfaithfulness and the younger generation has looked on.

I agree with your post and appreciate it. I would want my young adult children to live their lives by guidelines the Lord gives us, especially when it comes to sex outside of marriage.

One more comment – OFF the subject of sex. Your first point helped me to look at another area of my life. Joanna Hyatt’s quote about getting involved and breaking up leading to a mindset that prevents someone from forming a “long term commitment.” I believe this may be an issue when it comes to the church. My spouse and I are in a pattern of “breaking up” with the church over and over. We seem to be unable to form a long term commitment and after reading your post I wonder if part of that is the pattern we have developed in our brain…in our choices… in our heart. Just a thought. It was helpful to consider.
Ivan Bickett

So I took a break at work and checked out this post. EXCELLENT, I might add.

So here’s my 2 cents.

So to get this out of the way, I think my wife and I had sex like 2 weeks before we got married. We had already moved into our apartment together at that time. And even though we were both Christians at that time, we more abstained due to wanting to make CERTAIN we were going to spend the rest of our lives with the ONE, instead of waiting solely due to our Christian principles (although this WAS a big part).

Myself, I became a Christian in November of 1997. It was the November after I graduated high school. Due to various reasons I never dated through high school. When I started dating there were several different girls that actually asked to have sex. But it didn’t feel right. So I said no and we didn’t. I quickly realized that I put a lot into relationships and if I had sex with someone they would have kept a part of me. I wasn’t up for that. Especially since I just couldn’t seem to find a girl I could see my self spending forever with.

Personally, I would have rather been sex-less, like I was, than to walk around with part of my soul or heart trapped with someone that I wasn’t even involved with anymore. So I waited. Mainly until I found that someone I COULD see myself spending the rest of my life with.

Enter my lovely bride, at least she is now. We knew we were going to get married within 3 months. We were married within 1.5 years of knowing each other, a little over that. But even knowing we were going to get married we waited until we lived together right before we were married. I think it was the final step of moving in together that told BOTH of us we were already in until “death do you part”. So that’s why I say our Christian beliefs played a part of the conversation (the whole becoming one with only ONE).

But for me, even after becoming a Christian, I spent most of that time doing what I wanted. I got really pissed with God and blamed Him for all MY poor decisions. So I walked away. Physically turned my back. But even then I knew having sex would end up causing me more pain than it was worth, so I was selfish (or as I like to think of it now, God walked with me and protected me even when I tried to walk away from Him).

I agree with most of the comments I did read below. Especially about how sad it is that the body of Christ is NO DIFFERENT than non-believers in this area, in most areas actually. And I’m saddened by it, even as I am part of a statistic.

Now, I try to live my life fully for the Lord. I strive to be a lamp in this dark world. I tend towards condemnation of those going against what I believe, but then I realize I need to pull the plank out of my eye before I worry about the spec in anothers’ eye. And I think on how even Jesus, he he knew no sin, willingly and openly ate with sinners, tax collectors, and prostitutes. Who am I to point my nose in the air and point my finger at those Christ still loves?

So I LOVE this post. I don’t have the answers to this delima, but I do know that we as Christians need to do a better job of adhering to the teachings of the Bible as BELIEVERS. We need to be examples unto the world, not finger pointers and stone throwers.

I feel this comment is incomplete. But I could go on for hours and still not be able to provide the concrete solution I think is needed.

~Ivan

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Ivan, thank you for your thoughtful response. Since you have so much to say, methinks this could be a good post for you! I appreciate your honesty.

olefriend

Sadly this topic is bigger than simply a physical act between two people. It starts as a distraction to deal with some other pain. This topic, and dare I put this out there can and is often an engaged fantasy. A romance novel that is rather explicit, a porn magazine, a web site, a chat…there are so many steps that one chooses before getting or acting out in a one on one.

As a result…we justify our choice with a false hope than we can avoid the guilt…by the way, that guilt only intensifies the pain we are running from.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Yes, I would agree that the guilt increases the pain.

http://beckfarfromhome.blogspot.com/ Beck Gambill

Such an excellent post Mary, and necessary. My heart breaks that young people believe the lie that purity doesn’t matter. I used to present the chastity message in high schools in association with our local pregnancy cares center. After one presentation I had a teenage girl approach me an thank me for sharing the message, along with my personal testimony of purity. She essentially said, I wanted to save myself for marriage but no one’s ever told me I could, thank you for giving me permission and a reason to wait. I was blown away!

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

My heart breaks too because purity does matter! Wow, about the girl approaching you! How sad that she hadn’t had permission to be chaste before!

Jane

This is so sad, Mary, but I love the list you put together defending sex within marriage. Someone in my life is knowingly pushing beyond this boundary, and despite my loving confrontation, has decided that she doesn’t care–there doesn’t seem to be a “price to pay” in indulgence, but much like SLC99, feels like the stigma in waiting is a heavier burden. I’ve also heard her say that Christian men are harder to date!

It seems in general that we’ve become “cafeteria” style Christians–picking and choosing what we want to believe and live out verses adhering to what is revealed in Scripture. Maybe it’s all just a slippery slope, and this is evidence of one of the bumps in that slope. Thanks for sharing the article.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Yes, that’s a good point about cafeteria style Christians! Oh it’s just so very true!

Hopereed24

Your post could not have been more timely! While I have had multiple ‘talks’ with my teenage daughter about sex I have come to realize that she (14 years old) does not really understand the WHY behind the ‘rules’. We will be sitting down this weekend to discuss just that and your points will help me tremendously. Thank you!

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Yeah, the whys are important!

Hopereed24

Your post could not have been more timely! While I have had multiple ‘talks’ with my teenage daughter about sex I have come to realize that she (14 years old) does not really understand the WHY behind the ‘rules’. We will be sitting down this weekend to discuss just that and your points will help me tremendously. Thank you!
http://DaddyLife.net Hank Osborne

Sex and nudity have been so normalized in our culture and I believe that leads to the “what’s the big deal” mentality. I also believe the roots tie back to worldview. [tinfoil hat on] Secular culture largely believes and teaches our kids that we all are just talking monkeys. Since by societies’ underlying definition we are all just animals, “what’s the big deal?” Why can’t we just be like our ancestors?[tinfoil hat off]

From a man’s perspective, nudity is a big deal. I believe that when boys are exposed to nudity in a sexual context (magazines, TV, videos, online, etc) at younger ages, it fuels their desires which drives their perception of what is acceptable to ask for from young women. Men are much more visual in nature and the images that men/boys consume drive their desires to be more sexually active. In turn, women and young girls want to be “loved” so they give into the requests of the sexually charged males and end up with their hearts broken and their chastity gone.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

I agree. It’s like a terrible glut on our culture, as if the media is lambasting us with constant images. There is more to life than sex, but you wouldn’t know it.

http://twitter.com/kalynbr00ke Kalyn Comings

Thank you for being courageous enough to shed light on what is often seen as a non-issue.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Thaks, Kalyn. I was a little scared posting this, but I’m thankful for so many positive responses!

http://twitter.com/christybower Christy Bower

Honestly? Church women are just plain mean and insensitive when dealing with single women. I’ve been told that I’m living in sin for living alone because God said “man was not meant to be alone.” This woman told me that I should either live with my parents or live with other women. Gimme a break. I’ve also been told that if abstinence is difficult, I should just get married. So, um, like I should just go pick a guy off the street at random? Then, I’ve been grilled countless times by people who ask if I’m dating anyone. When I say “no” I’m always shocked that the next question is “Why not?” How in the world am I supposed to answer that? “Because I’m ugly and no one is interested in me.” The underlying assumption is that if I’m not *trying* to get married, I’m not doing my Christian duty or something.

Moreover, the church does not treat singles evenhandedly. For several years I went to a church that provided free groceries, car maintenance, and household handyman repairs for single mothers. As a single adult, I didn’t have a man around to do these things for me, and it always irked me that they got special privileges for a life of sin, while I was overlooked for remaining chaste in my singleness.

Both Jesus and Paul elevated singleness as a desirable status that few people have the discipline to maintain. Until the church can get it’s head around that and start treating singles with respect rather than disdain, the problems will continue.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

I am very, very sorry this has happened to you. I have several single friends, and I love them dearly. They are a blessing to the body of Christ in so many ways. I hope your words help all of us to welcome singles instead of question or judge them. Would you be interested in writing a blog post about this for my blog? I love your heart.

http://headant.com Head Ant

You forgot to mention that once you start having sex outside of marriage, it is hard to stop. The guilt that number 3 talks about tells us that we aren’t good enough to recommit ourselves to a chaste life before marriage. When that is coupled with the “you’ll sleep with me if you love me” mentality, it becomes a slippery slope. Young (and older too) girls (and boys) find themselves dumped once they give into sexual pressures. Only to find more pressure and less confidence awaiting them.

I worry about my children and all the other children that will have to face the pressures and “norms” of a society that constantly pushes sexual imagery at them. I just wonder why there are so many people who want to fight parents who want to raise their children to wait until marriage.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

That’s a good point. Once you’ve crossed the line, there can be a giving up…

http://journeytoepiphany.wordpress.com/ journeytoepiphany

Tell it like it is. Ultimate pride is to raise our opinion above God’s. If God says that sex outside of marriage is sin, then it is. Period.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Very true. God is clear on the issue.

http://www.leighkramer.com/ HopefulLeigh

Only by the grace of God have I not stumbled in this area. One part of the problem could be that the church doesn’t typically know how to address older singles. True Love Waits doesn’t exactly help when you’re in your 30s and you’re still waiting without guarantee of marriage in your future. We have to start discussing sex in a different way. It shouldn’t be viewed as the pay off for marriage, which is how many abstinence campaigns appear to address the issue. We also need to admit that we are sexual beings- the absence of sex should not deny that truth. Once a better framework is in place, I’d like to think that statistic would change. But truthfully, it’s hard to be countercultural when the family-centered church doesn’t know what to do with those of us who are still single. I’m thankful that I have supportive friends and family but I wish the church played a stronger role in my support system.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Oh, me too. God truly truly helped me stay celibate prior to marriage.

And it would be very hard to be an older single.

SLC99

Sometimes its seems that popular Christian culture celebrates marriage as the end-all, be-all panacea to everything wrong or uncertain in our lives. There seems to be a race to the altar, and I wonder if in that race some people just give in to the cultural acceptance of physical intimacy.
I am 34 and have waited. Frankly, sometimes I feel like I’ve been cheated for waiting, for the way sex is celebrated in this culture and some of my own Christian sisters haven’t waited and don’t seem to be weighed down by their experiences. I get a little peeved that they’ve had the fun. I am one of those people who has a strong desire to be a wife and mom one day, and I’m seeing people 12+ years younger than me realizing these dreams. I feel like I’ve been patient and obedient and saturated in the Word. Sometimes people furrow their brow, ask me if I’ve truly been obedient, and try to figure out ‘what I might be doing wrong.’ Interestingly, more than a handful of Christian men have walked away from me for my convictions. I recognize that there’s more to me than this conviction, but sometimes it feels like this is the characteristic that ends up being the rule-out. Ironically, when I dated a non-Christian for a brief time (in a few months of disobedience, perhaps!), he was the one who was the most consistent in his relentless pursuit of me, who respected my decision, and who, honestly, was the most Christ-like in the way he treated me. It’s really about culture I think … and being counter-cultural isn’t the easy road.

RJC

I don’t know why you and the right person are not married yet, but I say, you are so right in your convictions. God honors that, and, married or not, he cherishes you.

I unfortunately made many wrong choices. I went through a rebellious time in my early twenties. I grew up a Christian, and had strong convictions, but I allowed the world to pull me away. I ended up being with a man who does not share my faith. We have been married for 14 years. (I married him after finding out I was pregnant with my son, who is now 14). I love my two children, but wish that I would have given God time to give them to me with someone who shares my values. It makes passing on my values to my children so much more difficult.

I have seen many single Christian men, very good men, out there since I have been married, and each time, can’t help but ask myself, “Is that the man that God would have given me, if I would have been obedient?” I find this difficult to admit, and seeing it up on this screen is alarming to me, but I have felt this so many times.

I choose to instead obey God now, by being faithful to the husband I have, and pray that someday, he will find Jesus. In the meantime, I have reaped a very difficult harvest, in which I have to pick out a lot of weeds…I will pray for you, SLC99, and hope you will pray for me in return.

Don’t give up. Jesus loves you immensely, and wants an abundant life for you, whether married or single. He wants you to have joy, now, in the midst of your circumstances, despite the fact that you are still single. (And who knows what surprises are out there for you!

SLC99

I will pray for you, RJC, indeed. Thank you for your transparency/vulnerability in sharing your story. I had a friend from college write me a letter a few weeks ago with similar sentiments about her own marriage/family, and both of you have encouraged me immensely. Thank you for the reminder about joy in the midst of circumstances. It was just the gentle kick in the pants I needed. God is faithful. He will honor your prayers for your husband and devotion to your family.
http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Thank you for sharing your story. So brave! And God sees you and will walk with you…

http://www.leighkramer.com/ HopefulLeigh

Um, ditto. To every single thing you said, right down to the non-Christian being the most Christ-like in his pursuit and the way he treated me. Why is that?

SLC99

I have no idea. Wondering if there are some Christian men who can comment. There were other drawbacks to this relationship indicative of our unmatching faiths, of course–don’t get me wrong. But on the whole, Christian men have been halfhearted in their pursuit and disappear when another iron in the fire seems more appealing (my impression is there are too many irons available and a disproportionately smaller pool of men). I don’t want to paint a broad stroke: I know that there are probably VERY many exceptions to this rule. I just don’t seem to have them within a three-state radius (my eHarmony range, back in the day).

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

I’m sorry to hear this. I’d love to see a man post here and tell his perspective.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Ward-Walker/100001221604619 Ward Walker

It’s far easier to talk Christ than walk well; I suspect many are more “cultural” Christians than all-in converts. However, none of us attain perfection here–we all fall (albeit in different ways), and for various reasons men seem–throughout times and cultures–to be specially tempted WRT the physical/sensual. All this said, it is sad that the church more than mirrors the unchurched (divorce stats, etc–recalling some Barna Group stats)–we were called to be lampstands shining Christ’s light, not septic tanks known for judgmental off-gassing. I was a single Christian male up through my later 30′s. I spent some years away from walking Christ and, realizing I was in unhealthy opposition to my Lord, decided to return to attending Church. However, I wanted to also do so to meet women (I was very single) and tried to attend large Churches and single adult groups. God didn’t give me peace, and for several years put me in a very small church where I could only see Him. Once I got myself in order, God orchestrated a move that placed me in a larger church. I tried to specifically seek out and date Christian women, but I got the feeling that they didn’t want to date someone they went to church with–and perhaps thought a Christian man wouldn’t be “fun.” I could be wrong, but it felt that way. It’s strange how our preconceptions and biases often serve to blind us to opportunity. I particularly recall one who let loose a belly laugh when I asked her out to dinner. I put my plea in God’s care and tried to stay in circles…and stayed that way a while, occasionally getting hooked up on blind dates by friends. Then God hooked me up in a most unexpected way, getting introduced to someone thousands of miles away who through correspondence and phone calls I got to know without “me” or “her” getting in the way. Over months, in our case this led to God giving me peace to propose, marriage, and now over a decade of great marriage. The married life is no panacea for happiness, though–that must be found in Christ, ideally together. The same vices Satan used against you when single are probably what he’ll warm up when you are married. In the end, my hope is that Church communities help people find and maintain a real, truly-focused, a deep personal faith and relationship with their Lord. That these Christian people work together in community to train and disciple each other on how to live Christ well, and that families are able to benefit from this community–not in outsourcing the raising of their children or segregating husband and wife into separate Christian circles–but instead helping families become Christian powerhouses–in their own way, micro-churches. Perhaps we need to ReThink: http://whatisorange.org/orange-strategy/
SLC99

Thanks for sharing your experience, Ward.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

That is ironic and sad, SLC. The truth is that you, as a daughter of Jesus, deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Your boundaries should be heard and heeded. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. May you continue to find solace in the arms of Jesus, who was also single and celibate!

http://therealrebeccadiamond.com Rebecca

“Chastity is God’s protection for those of us who have been sexually abused.
I am utterly thankful I could work out the painful memories of the past
in the context of a stable, lifelong commitment than in a relationship
that didn’t last.”

I couldn’t agree more with that statement – Chastity, choosing to wait – and more importantly, knowing that I could trust my intended to have the same commitment to waiting…that was the best foundation we could have. It allowed me a safe place to seek healing. We’re 14 years into our lifelong commitment, and there’s never been a single day where I thought “I wish we’d had sex before we got married!”

In the circles I ran in (patriarchal/homeschooling/small churches), many people viewed kissing someone you weren’t married or engaged to in the same light as having sex. And honestly, I know people who kissed their boyfriend or girlfriend and then thought “we may as well go all the way, we’ve already sinned!” I don’t think that’s symptomatic of the body of Christ as a whole, but I do think it’s certainly an unfortunate part of it.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

That would be hard to have kissing equated to sex. That makes the line all the more easy to cross, and all the more easy to dismiss.

I’m thankful you’ve found healing.

http://www.facebook.com/brad.huebert Brad Huebert

Mary, BANG on. Thanks for tackling this. Those stats alarm me too. It’s amazing what a human being is able to justify when the biblically energized Lordship of Jesus isn’t being embraced wholeheartedly. Yuck. And wow.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

Thanks Brad.

Anonymous

Hi Mary, what a wonderful post!
I think there are a few reasons from my experience as to why Christians are accepting sex outside of marriage as “o.k.” (From someone who got married just three years ago, one month shy of my 32nd birthday).

1. People are waiting longer to get married, and it is very hard in this culture, and just from the perspective of how God made us, to wait to have sex. It is not impossible and absolutely should be done, but it is a NECESSITY to be in the Word daily and strongly attached to married mentors and spiritually mature friends in order to overcome this temptation. Most young people or older singles are not spiritually mature enough to “handle” a prolonged single life.
2. Parents are not talking about this openly from when children are small. I think that the conversation needs to start young and be age-appropriate at every stage of development. No, you don’t sit down your seven year old and “spill the beans” about sex, but at each stage of development there are topics that need to be discussed so that when the child is 17 it is not a big deal to talk to parents about it and so that the child knows they have a strong support at home. I think parents need to be very honest with their children and explain how hard it is to wait, but that the consequences are much greater. I do not think Christian families are doing this even thought we know we need to.

Sorry to write so long! Single life was very hard for me (the girl who wanted nothing more than get married, have babies, and be a homemaker), so this topic is close to my heart!

Thank you for your thoughts and post!!
Brenda

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

I do so agree, Brenda. Both important points.
Amy Boucher Pye

I didn’t mean to, but started having to tell my 7 year old about sex last week! Because my cousin’s 16-year-old daughter just had a baby out of wedlock. We went to visit them, and he hadn’t really realized that she was only 16. “She’s a teenager!” he said. “How did she get pregnant?” So I answered a bit, without covering things up but without going into too much of detail. Guess what I’m trying to say is that I agree with you on being open.

Mary, a great post. So timely. An acquaintance has just emailed me because most of the older women in her Bible study group were saying that sex before marriage is okay – and this would even be okay for a new pastor they were hiring. It’s sad when we have to do apologetics within the body of believers!

http://www.lawrencewilson.com/p/about-me.html Lawrence W. Wilson

One of the reasons could be that we expect young adults to delay marriage. Most parents want their young adult kids to finish college and even establish a career before choosing to marry–while remaining celibate. If we believe that God intends sex exclusively for marriage, maybe we should be pro-marriage?

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

You’re right, though I’m not sure that all parents have that expectation. A lot of twenty-somethings do. Christianity Today had a good article about marrying young (and a defense of it) here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html

Elizabeth

Thanks for addressing this. As the mom of 3 pre-teens, I pray that my children will make wise choices as they grow that honor God’s plan for sex in a marriage relationship. The enemy is just waiting to fire arrows at the innocent man – and our culture is just waiting to devour our children. Great post.