Why do we try to be so perfect?

26 Comments 30 May 2011

Today I’m thankful to have author Tim Sinclair here. He is a radio personality, blogger, and author who lives in Illinois with his wife and two young boys. Tim’s first book, Branded: Sharing Jesus with a Consumer Culture , will be available on June 30th. You can follow Tim on Twitter, friend him on Facebook, and find his blog at his website.

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“Pastor’s kids are either perfect, or they’re crazy.”

That joke is common amongst ministry families, and it describes exactly how I felt growing up. As the son of a preacher man, I was dead set against being labeled as a wild child or a rebel…so I decided to shoot for perfection instead. Or, I should say, perceived perfection.

In high school, my public actions had very little to do with me and a whole lot to do with my family. I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or have sex – partly because of the ever-watching eyes of a small community that, I felt, had very specific expectations for the life of a minister’s son.

Privately, I battled the same temptations, frustrations, and addictions that most teenagers did, but I was only willing to entertain them behind closed doors. I was fearful of doing anything that might undermine the impact my dad was having on the tiny town where we lived. Lust, pride, and a constant need for approval, as it turns out, are easily hidden.

My youthful assumption was that living a “perfect” life would reflect more favorably on my parents. I believed that eliminating every possible flaw from view would somehow lend more weight to my dad’s credentials as a pastor and my mom’s resume as a mother.

While those motivations may have been honorable, they weren’t based in reality. Rarely are humans recognized for achievements that are free of conflict. Sully Sullenberger wouldn’t be a hero if he hadn’t successfully landed his plane in the Hudson River. Todd Beamer wouldn’t be revered if he hadn’t said, “Let’s roll” on September 11th. Likewise, parents who are “heroes” – who truly inspire other moms and dads – are those who have overcome great obstacles and challenges with their kids.

I don’t mean to suggest that children should intentionally give their parents opportunities to overcome conflict. Quite the opposite. However, I think it’s all too easy to apply my “perfection principle” to a relationship with Christ.

It’s not uncommon for Christians to assume that an outwardly perfect life reflects more favorably on Jesus. We try to tell His story by hiding our own. We attempt to show a flawlessly perfect Savior with a falsely perfect story.

Christ’s transforming work requires our weakness. It is proven in our struggles. It shines through our pain. The true power of Jesus is revealed when He moves in spite of our mess. We de-value Christ when we limit Him to a single event from two thousand years ago. The truth is that Jesus is at work right now. Today. He’s working in your divorce or depression, in your alcoholism or adultery, in your greed or gluttony. And that work will not only change you…it will change others.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” As counter-intuitive as it may seem, hiding our conflict doesn’t make Jesus look better…it makes Him look unnecessary.

Q4u:

So, are you telling a perfect story…or a powerful one?

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Lori W

Love this, Tim. Thanks for sharing it. Our adult Sunday School class just concluded a study on ‘being authentic’….this message ties into that perfectly!

Tim Sinclair

Thanks Lori! I’m so glad this hit home for you…

Hannah E Hill

As a pk myself, I can completely identify. I have grown sick of having to keep it all under wraps, but there are those who say there’s no need to air dirty laundry. I know there’s something to be said for that, but where do you find the balance between being real and “airing dirty laundry”?

Tim Sinclair

Hannah…it’s a tough balance, isn’t it. I’m a proponent of “timely honesty.” We certainly don’t need to tell anyone and everyone our every little struggle, but we also shouldn’t construct a facade that indicates we’ve got it all together. There are appropriate times to share our “issues”…but it takes a willingness to be honest and admit that there are some cracks in the glass.

Cathy

It’s easy enough to admit my past weaknesses but in an ongoing way yes, I feel I have to appear perfect, especially when in a leadership position at church. The problem is, I can fool the rest of the world but my husband and kids see the real me because I can’t pretend 24/7. So my selfishness and other character flaws are displayed, sadly, among those I love most. I wish I didn’t feel such pressure to be perfect! There’s a deep lie I live with that I can’t seem to shake and it goes like this: “I only count when I’m perfect.” And since I can never actually be perfect,or perform perfectly, I always fall short, which leads to shame, pretending and seeking comfort apart from God.

Tim Sinclair

Cathy…the turnaround starts when we fully latch on to the “audience of one” concept. God knows we’re not perfect…and, honestly, knows that we never will be apart from him. That’s not an excuse to keep sinning, but an encouragement to look to him in order to fill the places were we’ll never be enough.

http://www.facebook.com/srvnGod Rev. Melinda C. McCray

Boy, did you hit the nail on the head. I have been battling addiction all of my life. I have often tried to hide my addictions and overcome them in my own strength. Especially since becoming a leader in the church. I decided it was time to be real. While I pursue my degree in counseling with emphasis on chemical dependency, God is reminding me that the treadmill I try to run on ,of perfection, will kill me if I don’t get off. Trying to overcome addiction on my own has sent me barreling toward substances like an 18 wheeler all of my life. This time I am running with my cigarettes straight for Jesus. I have set a goal to quit by June 5th, but I am relying on God and his redemption to bring me out into complete recovery. I think what people want to know from us as Christians and leaders is that we are in desperate need of Jesus every day. They want real, not perfection, and the lies of Satan try to keep us on the treadmill. The others can’t get on and keep up so they give up. At least when we fall of the treadmill we hit our knees.

Tim Sinclair

Melinda…the treadmill analogy is a great one! We’re chasing after something that can never be reached. Thank you…

http://www.ordinarilyextraordinary.com/ amykiane

Growing up in a church culture that wanted everything to appear perfect had such negative effects on me. The pressure to be perfect suffocated the grace I so desperately needed. Thankfully I found that grace eventually.

Tim Sinclair

Thanks Amy! I talk in my book (Branded) about the difference between math and music. We want faith to be like math – it’s right/wrong, pass/fail, etc. It allows us to feel like we’ve “arrived.” But, I truly believe that our faith is more like music. There are notes to be followed (for sure), but no version will ever be perfect…and many interpretations will be beautiful.

http://www.ordinarilyextraordinary.com/ amykiane

Very very true Tim. Love that analogy. Looking forward to reading your book.

Lori

I grew up a pk, and this is exactly how I felt. I chose to do everything just right. To be honest, I feel like people liked it that way, but I became increasingly miserable. I often felt like a fraud. Today, I am learning to be real. Not everyone is a fan of the real me, but I am okay with it. Thanks for a great post

Tim Sinclair

Lori…you’re right, I think people DO like it that way. It makes them feel better about their pastor’s abilities when he has children who appear to be angels. Unlearning that behavior, as PK’s, can be very difficult indeed. It sounds like we’re both still in that process…

http://profiles.google.com/pollywogcreekporch Patricia Hunter

Amen, amen, amen!!! I’ve always said that it is people who share their failures and how God has picked them up and used them are the ones that have ministered to me the most. And your closing sentence, “hiding our conflict doesn’t make Jesus look better…it makes Him look unnecessary” is exactly why.

Thank you so much for this, Tim.

Tim Sinclair

Thanks for your comments Patricia! And it’s not just sharing how God HAS picked us up, but how he IS picking us up, and how we trust that he WILL pick us up over time. Glad you enjoyed the post…have a great day!

http://profiles.google.com/pollywogcreekporch Patricia Hunter

Absolutely! I just returned from working and speaking at a 3-day weekend retreat for women and I was careful to include examples of my own past AND current failures. Not only does it minister to others…but it ministers to ME to be able to speak it. There is MUCH freedom in taking off the mask…removing the facade…and saying “Here is where I’m weak – still. Here is where I do not have a clue what I’m doing…but for Grace. The stumbling, falling-on-the-face is me. The picking me up, cleaning my wounds, helping me walk again is God.”

Wonderful encouragement, Tim.

http://www.marydemuth.com Mary DeMuth

I particularly like what you wrote here: We try to tell His story by hiding our own.

So true. It’s actually the paradox of our weakness being the actual place He displays His strength that invites people into His story.

Tim Sinclair

Yeah, it’s counterintuitive. Nobody is going to believe our perfect story because, in a fallen world, there is no such thing. So by trying to look perfect and bring honor to Christ, we actually turn people away. We’re asking them to believe a story that couldn’t possibly be true. Kinda makes your head hurt, doesn’t it?

BonnieC.

Hi, my name is Bonnie and I’m a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionism is a heavy, and unnecessary, burden to carry. There is a sweet freedom and joy that come from being the authentic me. Great post Tim. Mary, thanks for hosting Tim on your blog.

Tim Sinclair

Absolutely Bonnie. I love the term “recovering perfectionist”!

Anonymous

wonderful post friend. you are doing an amazing job at being authentic, vulnerable and encouraging others to do the same. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement. If you were closer, I would bring you a frap.

Tim Sinclair

Thanks Dedra! I appreciate the encouragement. As for the frap, I’ll take a rain check!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000318083828 Tracy Aloisio Barbel

Great truth to let sink in, Tim. I have been growing so much the last 2 years, realizing and dealing with anger. As I have peeled back the layers beneath my anger, the layer called perfectionism was revealed last fall. I have to say I was not at all surprised to find it – I knew I was a perfectionist. What was convicting was realizing how negatively my perfectionism affected so many relationships – including my relationship with Jesus. TRULY accepting that I could never BE perfect or EARN perfection was pivotal as I sought healing for this part of my heart – and I did this (DO this – it is a continual struggle) by loving MORE the Perfect Christ, who loves me while I am IMperfect (and will one day reveal to me perfection when I am in His presence!).

The layer I am working on now is the one I found beneath the perfectionism – and seems to me what might be the root of all of our sinful strains…perhaps all the way back to the garden: control issues.

So fun to see you on Mary’s blog, Tim! I read both of your blogs regularly!

Tim Sinclair

Tracy…you hit the nail on the head. For creative types especially, we don’t like showing anyone the work in progress – only the finished product. We like to control what other see and what other don’t…thus, coming across as “perfect.” Unfortunately, we do ourselves, and others, and Christ a disservice in the process. Thanks for your comments!

http://janudlock.com/ Jan Udlock

Tim, Because I’m a writer and blogger, I can’t go away without leaving a comment. I’ve joked with close friends that if I only had 4 kids, I would have been an obnoxious, arrogant parent. However, I have 5. And at times, I’ve felt like the failure Christian parent. However, with your words of encouragement I am telling a powerful parenting story.

Thank you.