How Sexual Abuse Affects Us Today

31 Comments 26 July 2010

Note: This post is part of the Idea Camp’s exploration of sexual abuse.

It happened so long ago. Nearly forty years now. The picture at the top of this post is me, aged five. The year the boys came and took me away. Stole a year of my life. In ravines. Under trees. In a sheet-canopied bunk bed. With their friends in increasing number.

By grace, I faked sleep so they couldn’t take me.

By grace, we moved away from those boys.

By grace, though others would try to attack through the years, God gave me legs to run away. Far away, palms sweating, heart beating, mind remembering.

I’ve walked through years of healing. Folks prayed. A lot. Friends listened. Counselors unpacked the abuse. Books helped. My husband supported. And yet, the struggle remains. Less so, but it’s still there haunting.

I wrote a post, a very personal post, about how the marriage bed can be a place of healing for victims of sexual abuse. It’s blessed folks. I’m thankful. But there’s still a hint of that feeling of dirtiness that lingers. A place in the shadows where I beg God to show me beauty in the dark places. He has, oh He has. In thin places where the membrane between heaven and earth is sheer. I recounted His nearness in my memoir, Thin Places, where I bled on the page for the sake of others, so they would no longer feel alone.

I am not fully healed. I still fear. Sometimes I sleep. Or move away. Or run. But I’m closer to Jesus in the aftermath. He, who hung naked, fully exposed and humiliated on that cross. He who was victimized by others, yet also by my own sin. He who knew neglect, betrayal, fear. In a way, we share a deeper bond because I endured sexual abuse. He is a friend to the broken. He understands my pain. He walked through it on earth, and He continues to walk through it today. With me. With you. With millions of other victims.

I am not fully whole, but I am wholly loved by a holy God. I rest there today.

Want to see my story in three dimensions? Watch the video trailer to Thin Places here:

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The Unglamorous Places (a thin place story by Sarah Markley) »

http://bibledude.net @bibledude

Wow… Mary…
This is pretty powerful. I love how you find peace and healing in Christ. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you must feel, but I do see that God is doing some beautiful,amazing, incredible work with you. And I’m happy to know that it’s in Him that you find rest and peace!

You rock Mary!
http://bibledude.net @bibledude

Wow… Mary…
This is pretty powerful. I love how you find peace and healing in Christ. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you must feel, but I do see that God is doing some beautiful,amazing, incredible work with you. And I’m happy to know that it’s in Him that you find rest and peace!

You rock Mary!
Mary

Thanks so much, bibledude! It’s been a really long journey.
Mary

Thanks so much, bibledude! It’s been a really long journey.
http://www.culturesmithconsulting.com Cheryl Smith

Mary, thank you so much for continuing to share the hard (thin) places of your life, so that God can use it to bless others. I already know several folks I will send to this post.

Mary

Cheryl, thanks for sending this post to others. I really appreciate it.

http://www.culturesmithconsulting.com Cheryl Smith

Mary, thank you so much for continuing to share the hard (thin) places of your life, so that God can use it to bless others. I already know several folks I will send to this post.

Mary

Cheryl, thanks for sending this post to others. I really appreciate it.

http://www.rebeccasramsey.blogspot.com Becky Ramsey

Oh Mary, what a story. Thank you for sharing God's incredible healing work in your life!
The video captures it beautifully–and with power!

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Thank you kindly, Becky.

http://www.rebeccasramsey.blogspot.com Becky Ramsey

Oh Mary, what a story. Thank you for sharing God's incredible healing work in your life!
The video captures it beautifully–and with power!

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Thank you kindly, Becky.

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http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Thanks so much, Becky.
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Thanks so much, Becky.
Sharon O

wow. That was an awesome video.
I too could be in the story. Not at age 5 although my family broke apart at age 5 and my dad left us for years. (another story I have written) I am a survivor of childhood trauma and it is hard to recover and heal and feel restored. It is hard when love comes and you don't know how to love.
It is hard. It is a journey that is long through therapy and healing.
thank you for sharing this powerful reminder… that when you see a 'little child' there might be a story behind what they say or do… they just won't say it until you ask the right questions.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Very true, Sharon. Sometimes loving them well means asking open ended questions. And it means loving unconditionally.

Sharon O

wow. That was an awesome video.
I too could be in the story. Not at age 5 although my family broke apart at age 5 and my dad left us for years. (another story I have written) I am a survivor of childhood trauma and it is hard to recover and heal and feel restored. It is hard when love comes and you don't know how to love.
It is hard. It is a journey that is long through therapy and healing.
thank you for sharing this powerful reminder… that when you see a 'little child' there might be a story behind what they say or do… they just won't say it until you ask the right questions.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Very true, Sharon. Sometimes loving them well means asking open ended questions. And it means loving unconditionally.

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http://intensedebate.com/people/gailrussell2010 gailrussell2010

I found this site through Sarah Markley's page, and read the Sexual Abuse article by Mary with interest, because of my own past childhood experience at age 5. I didn't realize the "thick place" I was in while reading it and the unconscious protection I had put up as an adult around my heart, soul and mind so I could read and yet "be safe". It wasn't until I opened up the video and began to watch it, that tears formed in my eyes and I found the little girl inside me weeping and her heart hurting STILL.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Gail, I'm so sorry you went through all you did. Sometimes it's good to have a good cry, to let out the grief you try so hard to harness. Healing happens in the midst of that grief.

gailrussell2010

Even at age 50plus, and years of therapy, I can not think of my stolen childhood due to the incest at the hands of my biological father without my heart breaking and my soul crying wrenching sobs. Thank you for sharing your story, Mary. I am still struggling to find a "FATHER-GOD" whom I feel I can trust, love and feel safe with. I am hoping between Sarah and you, Mary, that I will find that peace somehow within what you write. I do think that there is a reason why you both have "biblical names"…. Sarah meaning " a woman of high rank and is sometimes translated as "princess". It also means "lady." And Mary meaning "bitterness" in Hebrew, but "mother" in French and "beloved" in Egyptian.
I thank God for the Sarah and Mary who are in my life both Biblically, and as friends who share their hearts.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

It's hard to trust God when your father did such a despicable thing. May the Lord renew your view of Him as a loving God.

http://intensedebate.com/people/gailrussell2010 gailrussell2010

I found this site through Sarah Markley's page, and read the Sexual Abuse article by Mary with interest, because of my own past childhood experience at age 5. I didn't realize the "thick place" I was in while reading it and the unconscious protection I had put up as an adult around my heart, soul and mind so I could read and yet "be safe". It wasn't until I opened up the video and began to watch it, that tears formed in my eyes and I found the little girl inside me weeping and her heart hurting STILL.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

Gail, I'm so sorry you went through all you did. Sometimes it's good to have a good cry, to let out the grief you try so hard to harness. Healing happens in the midst of that grief.

gailrussell2010

Even at age 50plus, and years of therapy, I can not think of my stolen childhood due to the incest at the hands of my biological father without my heart breaking and my soul crying wrenching sobs. Thank you for sharing your story, Mary. I am still struggling to find a "FATHER-GOD" whom I feel I can trust, love and feel safe with. I am hoping between Sarah and you, Mary, that I will find that peace somehow within what you write. I do think that there is a reason why you both have "biblical names"…. Sarah meaning " a woman of high rank and is sometimes translated as "princess". It also means "lady." And Mary meaning "bitterness" in Hebrew, but "mother" in French and "beloved" in Egyptian.
I thank God for the Sarah and Mary who are in my life both Biblically, and as friends who share their hearts.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marydemuth marydemuth

It's hard to trust God when your father did such a despicable thing. May the Lord renew your view of Him as a loving God.

Kathy

Thank you for writing "Thin Places"! For the first time someone was saying that the pain of sexual abuse doesn't just vanish, even with help. For once someone was not telling me just to "get over". For once I finally found someone else struggling with certain aspects of the abuse even after help and healing. What's odd, for me, is the fact that it's been easier to heal from the sexual abuse at the hands of my grandfather than it has been the abuse by my mother; the memories of my grandmother catching my grandfather only to do nothing to help me or my father standing by allowing my mom to treat me however she liked or the guilt trips I was given because my grandfather had to sit behind bars for one day because of me. I don't know maybe it's because my grandfather died many years ago and only a couple of years after my visit to the prosecutors office after my uncles wife turned him in. I've not had to deal with him for many years but still endured the abuse from my mom while not being allowed to think about, talk about, or heal from my grandfathers abuse after his death. Maybe it's because I don't have a mom (I haven't seen mine in many years) or because when I decided to heal and tried to include my dad and sisters I was turned away. Maybe it's because I long for unconditional love from family members and can't get it!? It could be for many reasons, and I apologize for getting off track a bit, but my point is that through my healing process I’ve had so many “helpful” individuals make me feel smaller than I already feel because I either wanted to heal and talked too much about my abuse (another story altogether) or because I’ve not been 100% healed even with all the help I’ve been given, so it is nice to know others deal with a healing process like I do. And know I can come here and not be afraid to share. Thank you! BTW, I hope this all makes sense!?
Kathy

Thank you for writing "Thin Places"! For the first time someone was saying that the pain of sexual abuse doesn't just vanish, even with help. For once someone was not telling me just to "get over". For once I finally found someone else struggling with certain aspects of the abuse even after help and healing. What's odd, for me, is the fact that it's been easier to heal from the sexual abuse at the hands of my grandfather than it has been the abuse by my mother; the memories of my grandmother catching my grandfather only to do nothing to help me or my father standing by allowing my mom to treat me however she liked or the guilt trips I was given because my grandfather had to sit behind bars for one day because of me. I don't know maybe it's because my grandfather died many years ago and only a couple of years after my visit to the prosecutors office after my uncles wife turned him in. I've not had to deal with him for many years but still endured the abuse from my mom while not being allowed to think about, talk about, or heal from my grandfathers abuse after his death. Maybe it's because I don't have a mom (I haven't seen mine in many years) or because when I decided to heal and tried to include my dad and sisters I was turned away. Maybe it's because I long for unconditional love from family members and can't get it!? It could be for many reasons, and I apologize for getting off track a bit, but my point is that through my healing process I’ve had so many “helpful” individuals make me feel smaller than I already feel because I either wanted to heal and talked too much about my abuse (another story altogether) or because I’ve not been 100% healed even with all the help I’ve been given, so it is nice to know others deal with a healing process like I do. And know I can come here and not be afraid to share. Thank you! BTW, I hope this all makes sense!?
M. LaPointe

This is so very, very powerful.
God’s healing hand moves in ways that we sometimes cannot even begin to fathom externally…and not in a linear way,either. And, I guess that I have learned in that pain and intentional invisibility that I might have punctured that thin membrane with my little voice prayers many times unknowingly…because, because..I felt a Daddy’s embrace during “those times,” ever so acutely!!!!
Your writing, Mary, is a salve to my soul…it is just so poignant that I live it!