Wielding Words as Weapons on the Web

32 Comments 24 February 2010

This post has been on my mind for a long time. Maybe I was afraid to share myself so starkly, or expose my pettiness. I’ve worked through all that (at least in this moment) so here goes:

I believe God entrusts us with words. And if we wield them in a public way, we have a greater responsibility to share them wisely. If one has been given a gift, much will be required.

So it’s with sadness that I recount a few of my own stories as cautionary tales.

Many, many years ago before I was published, I edited and produced a church newsletter. In addition, during that time, we sent out regular support letters for our upcoming adventure in seminary (not for me, but for my husband). I had a conflict with a dear friend, and I chose to write about it in a masked but pretty obvious way in the support letter. Yikes! Of course my friend kindly asked me about it. Horrified that she figured out my little tirade, I apologized profusely and tucked the lesson away in my mind. Don’t publicly share a vendetta! Just say no!

Then, in the blush of publication when I had a book contract or two, I shared some of my pet peeves with Christian books, not thinking a snitch how this might be taken, or how it would hurt others. Lesson number two: be careful and think through your criticism. This is a small business, and your crabby tone will be remembered a long time, even after you apologize and take down posts.

Later, after being hurt in a painful situation, I took to my blog and wrote a story, veiled, about how I felt. I didn’t name names. Didn’t paint the picture as obvious, but a good friend of mine emailed me privately and said, “Mary, is this about ___________?” It was. And I removed my pain-filled, woe-is-me post, again feeling like I’d really messed up. I learned it’s best to go to Jesus first, air your pain there, before considering sharing it out in public with the whole wide world. People are pretty darned smart, and they’ll figure out your strange posts!

Here are some things to think about when wielding your words in a public space. Ask yourself:

Will this hurt someone if he/she figures it out?
How would I feel if someone posted this about me?
In what ways am I trying to prove my rightness?
Will I be damaging a person’s reputation?
Is it necessary to be targeted in my post?
Why not choose to suffer quietly?
Do you trust your reputation to Jesus, or do you feel you have to manage it?
Will this wound dissipate tomorrow? (Often we feel the wound in the heat of the moment, then slash off an email or blog post, regretting it in a few moments. Better to wait, pray, and seek to let it go.)
Will this post bring reconciliation or further discord?
Am I fueling a raging debate or acting in a conciliatory, teachable way?

So my question is: have you felt this way? Have you wielded your words in a way you regretted? What have you learned? What would you say to others who are tempted to write in a disparaging manner about a person or an injustice?

Related posts:

Missy @ It's Al

"Do you trust your reputation to Jesus, or do you feel you have to manage it?"Okay, gonna have to chew on that one. And chew. And chew.
Missy @ It's Al

"Do you trust your reputation to Jesus, or do you feel you have to manage it?"Okay, gonna have to chew on that one. And chew. And chew.
Leadership Freak

Missy,You got that right…Leadership FreakDan Rockwell
Leadership Freak

Missy,You got that right…Leadership FreakDan Rockwell
Michael Gray

I tend to plunge ahead, wielding my words with a primitive ferocity.And then I have my wife read what I wrote.And then, after some always-wise counsel, I delete my tirade instead of emailing it or posting it to my blog.The venting feels good sometimes, but the knowledge that I have avoided unnecessary public snarkiness and heartache feels better.My wife is a blessing.
Michael Gray

I tend to plunge ahead, wielding my words with a primitive ferocity.And then I have my wife read what I wrote.And then, after some always-wise counsel, I delete my tirade instead of emailing it or posting it to my blog.The venting feels good sometimes, but the knowledge that I have avoided unnecessary public snarkiness and heartache feels better.My wife is a blessing.
Kristen @ Moms Sharp

Awesome post, Mary. I tend to be overly cautious about my posts. Still, to avoid hurt feelings, I always have my husband or co-blog author friend proof my posts so I don't publish something I regret later.Appropriate guidelines that everyone could use to check their heart for pure motives. I'm bookmarking this!
Kristen @ Moms Sharp

Awesome post, Mary. I tend to be overly cautious about my posts. Still, to avoid hurt feelings, I always have my husband or co-blog author friend proof my posts so I don't publish something I regret later.Appropriate guidelines that everyone could use to check their heart for pure motives. I'm bookmarking this!
Glynn

I once did a book review that was critical. The writing was superb, but I had a problem with a very specific thing. And I said so, in no uncertain terms. Others had noticed the same thing, and pointed it out as well. But whatever the reason, my review caught attention. And the situation became ugly. There was a pile-on by the author’s friends, and my e-mailbox filled with hate. An unexpected conversation with the editor sent more shocks. What the editor said about me and my review wasn’t a surprise, after the hate mail. But what was said about the industry, writers, trade associations and the publishing firm sent me reeling. In the end, I decided that I'd been unkind and likely caused the author pain. I didn’t mean to do that but I should have known better, and I am sincerely sorry that I did. I deleted the review and all references to the book. Good post, Mary. I wish I had read it before I did that review.
Glynn

I once did a book review that was critical. The writing was superb, but I had a problem with a very specific thing. And I said so, in no uncertain terms. Others had noticed the same thing, and pointed it out as well. But whatever the reason, my review caught attention. And the situation became ugly. There was a pile-on by the author’s friends, and my e-mailbox filled with hate. An unexpected conversation with the editor sent more shocks. What the editor said about me and my review wasn’t a surprise, after the hate mail. But what was said about the industry, writers, trade associations and the publishing firm sent me reeling. In the end, I decided that I'd been unkind and likely caused the author pain. I didn’t mean to do that but I should have known better, and I am sincerely sorry that I did. I deleted the review and all references to the book. Good post, Mary. I wish I had read it before I did that review.
Gina

Glynn, if I may play devil's advocate for a moment (and not knowing the details, I may be totally off track) — you're not saying Christians should never write bad reviews, are you? Because if we who write book reviews think we should say nothing but positive things all the time, we're going to end up being dishonest eventually. Again, I don't know the details, but from what little I do know, I would say the fault lies with those who did the piling-on, not with you. It's certainly viewed that way in the secular world — I was reading about such a case just yesterday — and while the secular world shouldn't be our guide in all things, once in a while it hits the right note.
Gina

Glynn, if I may play devil's advocate for a moment (and not knowing the details, I may be totally off track) — you're not saying Christians should never write bad reviews, are you? Because if we who write book reviews think we should say nothing but positive things all the time, we're going to end up being dishonest eventually. Again, I don't know the details, but from what little I do know, I would say the fault lies with those who did the piling-on, not with you. It's certainly viewed that way in the secular world — I was reading about such a case just yesterday — and while the secular world shouldn't be our guide in all things, once in a while it hits the right note.
Robert Collings

A very thought provoking post about how we respect ourselves and others. Thank you.I am curious though. Why is it that the 'issues' you mentioned, given that they were personal in nature, were not raised directly with the people themselves? What is it about the internet (or publishing in general) that gives many of us an 'out' in directly dealing with conflict/s? The web *can* be a refuge for cowards, and there are many.One thing I know is that irrespective of the things we write and say, we cannot control how others will respond. I often wonder how many people I have hurt with words that were not intended to harm but did.And a quick thought on literary criticism. Of course some people will take offence to a negative review. I see no reason to withdraw a comment because someone else doesn't like what we have to say. For all I know, you (and others) may find this post terribly upsetting …
Robert Collings

A very thought provoking post about how we respect ourselves and others. Thank you.I am curious though. Why is it that the 'issues' you mentioned, given that they were personal in nature, were not raised directly with the people themselves? What is it about the internet (or publishing in general) that gives many of us an 'out' in directly dealing with conflict/s? The web *can* be a refuge for cowards, and there are many.One thing I know is that irrespective of the things we write and say, we cannot control how others will respond. I often wonder how many people I have hurt with words that were not intended to harm but did.And a quick thought on literary criticism. Of course some people will take offence to a negative review. I see no reason to withdraw a comment because someone else doesn't like what we have to say. For all I know, you (and others) may find this post terribly upsetting …
Rachel Wojnarowski

My dear pastor gave us a sheet this week entitled "Dying to Self." There were several points, but the one that relates to this awesome post:When your good is evil spoken of, your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, and your opinions ridiculed, yet you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, but take it all in patient, loving silence… that is dying to self.Thanks for a great article on an everlasting topic!
Rachel Wojnarowski

My dear pastor gave us a sheet this week entitled "Dying to Self." There were several points, but the one that relates to this awesome post:When your good is evil spoken of, your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, and your opinions ridiculed, yet you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, but take it all in patient, loving silence… that is dying to self.Thanks for a great article on an everlasting topic!
Vonda Skelton

What a great reminder, Mary. Thank you for your transparency…again. It's as if you're walking ahead of me, doling out sage advice before I even ask it.
Vonda Skelton

What a great reminder, Mary. Thank you for your transparency…again. It's as if you're walking ahead of me, doling out sage advice before I even ask it.
Lyla Lindquist

Mary, thanks for the reminder. I think in most cases, any of the questions would give us pause — ultimately, what do we seek to accomplish by writing about the matter? But #9 in many ways is most telling. How does our writing help restore the relationship? Unfortunately I think it has more to do with our sense of rightness. Thanks for your handling of this tough subject.
Lyla Lindquist

Mary, thanks for the reminder. I think in most cases, any of the questions would give us pause — ultimately, what do we seek to accomplish by writing about the matter? But #9 in many ways is most telling. How does our writing help restore the relationship? Unfortunately I think it has more to do with our sense of rightness. Thanks for your handling of this tough subject.
Lucy Ann Moll

Mary,You are among the sweetest people I know. I'm glad you shared your heart and this wonderful reminder, but don't be so hard on yourself.You couldn't hurt a flea, as the saying goes. Blessings, Lucy
Lucy Ann Moll

Mary,You are among the sweetest people I know. I'm glad you shared your heart and this wonderful reminder, but don't be so hard on yourself.You couldn't hurt a flea, as the saying goes. Blessings, Lucy
Dayle

I've always tried to remember what my mother told me years ago, "You can't unring a bell." The same goes for words that you share in a public forum. They're permanent, so weigh them wisely.
Dayle

I've always tried to remember what my mother told me years ago, "You can't unring a bell." The same goes for words that you share in a public forum. They're permanent, so weigh them wisely.
cindyhan111

great words…
cindyhan111

great words…
imoomie

Thank you for sharing what you have learned first hand. As a newbie blogger, I really appreciate it.I oouldn't help but think while I was reading this post, that you must have good friends to have called you on it when some would have just held a grudge.Blessings.
imoomie

Thank you for sharing what you have learned first hand. As a newbie blogger, I really appreciate it.I oouldn't help but think while I was reading this post, that you must have good friends to have called you on it when some would have just held a grudge.Blessings.
Justice Writer

You never know who will read the words put out here. I once wrote a piece for a project on reconciliation with God and the church after enduring spiritual abuse. Quite innocently, I included a testimony detailing my own experience of abuse, betrayal and reconciliation. I did this without mentioning names. However, I was detailed enough in the article so anyone who knew this person within our church could figure it out. This is exactly what happened. I, like you, received a private email from a mutual friend. She actually said, "Why didn't you just give her address?"There was reconciliation in the relationship I wrote about, however, I chose to post the piece to my blog and leave it there. The reason is because I wanted others to know that we should not put others in our church so high up on a pedestal that we are wounded when they fall.When I consider this further, in order to change the outcome, I would have had to sacrifice the purpose of the article.I am no longer a proponent of sweeping things under the rug and there were things revealed in our church that were meant to be brought into the light. At the same time, I know the story raised concern about my maturity in Christ. That's okay. It is what it is. I presented the facts and would write that piece the same way today to prevent the same thing from happening to another trusting soul.
Justice Writer

You never know who will read the words put out here. I once wrote a piece for a project on reconciliation with God and the church after enduring spiritual abuse. Quite innocently, I included a testimony detailing my own experience of abuse, betrayal and reconciliation. I did this without mentioning names. However, I was detailed enough in the article so anyone who knew this person within our church could figure it out. This is exactly what happened. I, like you, received a private email from a mutual friend. She actually said, "Why didn't you just give her address?"There was reconciliation in the relationship I wrote about, however, I chose to post the piece to my blog and leave it there. The reason is because I wanted others to know that we should not put others in our church so high up on a pedestal that we are wounded when they fall.When I consider this further, in order to change the outcome, I would have had to sacrifice the purpose of the article.I am no longer a proponent of sweeping things under the rug and there were things revealed in our church that were meant to be brought into the light. At the same time, I know the story raised concern about my maturity in Christ. That's okay. It is what it is. I presented the facts and would write that piece the same way today to prevent the same thing from happening to another trusting soul.
Mary DeMuth

Justice writer. Yeah, it's a difficult line to discern between being real and authentic, yet also doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. I don't always get it right.
Mary DeMuth

Justice writer. Yeah, it's a difficult line to discern between being real and authentic, yet also doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. I don't always get it right.