The Way Friendship Twists

11 Comments 21 November 2008

I do believe the words Twist and Shout make for a great musical backdrop for friendship. Paradox seems to lurk around every corner, particularly in my relationships. Has this happened to you?

You meet someone, like that person immediately, strike up a friendship, go deep, and then everything falls apart? There was a time we were such good friends with folks that we considered willing our children to them. Now? No relationship at all. There have been people who have deeply influenced my books who I wouldn’t call up for a kindly chat. Those who once cheered, now seem distant and indifferent.

How does this happen?

I don’t like it.

Here are some possible reasons:

When you entered the friendship, the rush of a new friend blinded you to the dark sides. As the friendship progressed, the fissures opened up. The depth of the friendship is then tested. If it’s not terribly deep, you will not be able to overcome those dark elements. (And don’t forget that we all have dark elements, and sometimes our friends can’t abide by our own issues.)
People purposefully hard their dark sides for a long time, and then they act accordingly in a shocking way that seems out of character. Usually this ends with a quick severing of the relationship.
Sometimes it’s just plain life. I’ve had many friends ebb away (as I have too) through moving far away. It’s hard to maintain close relationships over the miles. One bonus of moving: you find out which friendships are meant to last your lifetime. The great ones stay, stay, stay no matter how much you move, move, move.
Perspective: Some friends simply have an opposite perspective on a situation or the way you handled it. If the friend is convinced, there’s really no way to reason your way around. One of the most painful moments for me came when a friend of ours chose to believe the worst about us. Nothing we did or said changed his opinion. And the more we tried, the more we somehow cemented his opinion. (If someone has convinced himself about you, there’s really no way out unless Jesus helps that person see. If you defend yourself, it only makes you look guilty. This is one of those blessedly hard times when you entrust your reputation to His care. It’s hard to do for a people-pleaser like me, but I’ve found tremendous rest and joy when I’ve relinquished my need to defend to Jesus.)
Some people are simply enemies disguised in friend clothing. This is extremely rare, of course, but discovering the wolf underneath the sheep gear is a devastating experience.

I’ll end this by saying I’m very thankful for the relationships God places in my life. It’s taken me a long time to thank Him for the friends who go by the wayside. But I’m learning. Those folks taught me valuable lessons, probably not even knowing they were doing it. I’ve learned discernment. I’ve learned to be cautious about pursuit. I’ve learned to entrust my heart and reputation to Jesus. I’ve thanked God for those folks who have felt like thorns (2 Corinthians 12: 9,10) because they help me see my many weaknesses and keep me looking for His strength to fill me up and hedge me away from pride.

It’s hard to see friendships wane or recoil or hurt. I’m one of those who likes to cling no matter what. But I’m learning, step by step, to move on, to shake the dust off my feet, and trust Jesus for new friends, new adventures.

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Latayne

Thank you Mary. I “saw” former friends in what you wrote, and it brought me some peace and comfort.
Lisa Simmons

I hate having former friends as well. I also do not enjoy thinking I’m making a friend and then “poof” they disappear. This could give one a complex. ha. The good thing about Facebook is I’ve re connected with friends that I thought were lost. It’s been really cool.
The other thing I don’t enjoy about friendship making and breaking is feeling like I’m giving to the friendship but they’re not. I guess that’s not really a friendship is it? Or when they’re with you, you’re all “BFF’s” but as soon as someone else walks up, you’re tossed to the side. Kinda like croutons on a low carb diet.

Anyway, I guess it’s comfort knowing that “friendships” are tricky, no matter who.

Lisa
Lynette Sowell

Yes, I’ve had this happen before, too. I figure if someone *wants* to be friends with me, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. The cliche of the 2-way street. And yes, it hurts, but sometimes we have to cut our losses, embrace those who *do* love and accept us, and cherish those relationships. Not everyone is meant to be best buds, but even friendship can’t be forced.

I’ve tried to reach out to some who’ve withdrawn from me, but after so many rebuffs without a clear reason, I’ve decided to let it go and thank God for blessing my life with friends of all kinds. And be willing to build new friendships as that happens. Wise as serpents, harmless as doves and all that.
Danica/Dream

Thanks for sharing this Mary. Lots of wisdom here. Definitely some things I recognize.
Tami Boesiger

I have had a terrible time reconciling this in my life. How can people who believe, love and trust in the same Lord have such differing opinions or perspectives, especially after knowing each other in intimate ways? Why do we stop trusting each other or believing the best about each other? Why do we hold each other to certain standards? Where is the unconditional love we are supposed to emulate? Why can’t we give each other slack knowing we are human?

I’ve felt the hurt you describe. Though I don’t understand why God chooses to prune us with these failed friendships, I am learning to accept it and trust Him to use it for my good.

And heal my heart.
christina

I too can relate to what you write about friends. The sense of betrayal, the sense of deception.. The questions play back in the mind, what was that all about? I guess the time and energy I invested in the relationship had no value? Is the friendship so shallow, so insignificant that it is not worth salvaging?
I have spent many hours mourning friendships that faded without understanding why, but even more time struggling to understand when a sudden break happens without an explanation, and when there is no willingness to even attempt to restore. What did I do to hurt someone so badly that they immediately assumed bad about me, not even providing me an opportunity to explain, to be able to apologize for this grievous sin I must have committed as it warranted a complete break in the relationship. I am left wondering, struggling, hurting, doubting – until I am empty and cannot go on any longer and finally find my way back to the One who does not fail me, the One who does not disappoint me, the One who never hurts me, the One who always care for me, the One who always loves me no matter what. Thank you Jesus for being my Savior and my Friend.
mutating missionary

Really thankful for this blogspot today… I just returned from a 2 month intensive language learning course on the other side of Baden-Wuerttemberg, Germany… now I have returned and begin again with friends/partners in ministry, church planting. There are some underlying misunderstandings and at this point I feel like I am in the balance of being placed as ‘not the bestest’… I want to defend – I want to scream… It was a misunderstanding… I want to come in and ‘fix it’. So I was just in my red-prayer chair and questioned myself: “What do you know you know? You know that God is your avenger, and you need to just keep your mouth shut and let Him handle it. If the friendship is to remain – it will. If it isn’t – it won’t! Thanks for the confirmaion on this thought and prayer.
http://sunflowerfaith.com Twinkle Mom @ Sunflower Faith

Mary,
Today was just one of those “odd” days, that I just felt a need to search and read and I saw your twitter post (had nothing to do with this particularly post) and I’m just really thankful for your words and honesty and strength and encouragement you share with everyone….

This post and a few others were things I was really needing to hear today and to contemplate and just to read.

Thank you so so much for what you are sharing…

Anonymous

What a blessing your comment is to me! Thanks so much!

RefreshMom

This is such a hard-learned lesson for me. I moved so much as a child, and then lived in a college town where the population of friends changes every four years; I’ve lost more people to time and distance than I can count (including my ‘real’ dad and his whole side of my family).

Because of this, I don’t let go of friends easily. Maybe most especially the ones where I don’t understand the (apparently) sudden turn of affection. I tend to hold a little tighter and fight a little longer than I probably should. I am learning though. Learning to let go of those with whom contact leads to more heartache than heartfelt. And learning to see that in most cases 1) I’m not the only one in the same boat with that same friend and 2) it’s often about something else going on with them and less about me.

It’s still not easy. And truth be told, I’d still rather be friends in nearly every case than not. But I do live less scrunched up inside because I’m not trying to friend the unfriendly or please the unpleasable.

Here’s to true friends (for us both!)

Mary Hampton