More than Tortilla Soup

20 Comments 18 May 2005

I marvel at God’s economy sometimes, particularly why He created me to long to write. Didn’t He know that I’ve spent a large portion of my life trying to please everyone? Didn’t He know that the word “rejection” cut deep into my sensibilities? Yes He did. And through this weird cycle of excruciation and elation, I am becoming more dependent on His smile than on the approval of others.

So, this week I got two rejections for three book projects. I’m really OK with it. Disappointed, of course, but content. I have a sense that God is ordering my time, my world. I realize that in this publishing biz that a project has to be the right time, the right editor, the right wind in the air, for a book to make it through the dreaded pub board. I can say with my mind that the rejection is all about the book not fitting, that it has nothing to do with publishers rejecting me as a person, but my heart limps along in these lessons sometimes.

But, last night, Julia climbed the stairs to what I call my “writing turret” (a little corner in my bedroom where I write). She was clad in Barbie-ish pink pajamas and her hair was wet and tangled. “Mommy,” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said. I hugged her to myself, her shampooed head scenting the room.

“But mommy?”

“Yes.”

“I love you more than tortilla soup.” She smiled.

I smiled. Nearly every night Julia comes home from school, inquiring about the dinner menu, in hopes that I will say tonight we’re having tortilla soup. She loves the stuff. If it were her will, she’d have it coursing through her little blue veins. EVERY NIGHT.

So for her to say such a sweet thing was a gift from heaven. It was as if the Lord knew I was feeling a bit rejected, so He tickled me pink with her words.

I’m in this crazy writing business, writing along the ebb and flow of joy and bewilderment. There are days of anticipation, days of resignation, days of perseverance, days of deep fulfillment. But in the midst of that, I am blessed with a girl clad in pink.

Who loves me more than tortilla soup.

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Angie Black Barrett

About my writing, the humility versus hubris is sometimes maddening. I want no part of an ego or pride, but I want so badly my reader to show me the thought provoking result or the stirred emotions felt after reading ANYTHING I've written. It seems as though you have such great balance in this field of turning thoughts into written words. Angie Black Barrett, Royse City, Texas
Angie Black Barrett

About my writing, the humility versus hubris is sometimes maddening. I want no part of an ego or pride, but I want so badly my reader to show me the thought provoking result or the stirred emotions felt after reading ANYTHING I've written. It seems as though you have such great balance in this field of turning thoughts into written words. Angie Black Barrett, Royse City, Texas
relevantgirl

John, I love that you’re shopping for shoes. I can’t wait to see your feet in France!Deirdre, I bet your wallpaper of shame is lovely! Does it match your decor?Becky, thanks for being my cheerleader!Hannah, hang in there. Paula, I feel like I’m on a similar journey. Being a people pleaser and a writer is a funny thing.
relevantgirl

John, I love that you’re shopping for shoes. I can’t wait to see your feet in France!

Deirdre, I bet your wallpaper of shame is lovely! Does it match your decor?

Becky, thanks for being my cheerleader!

Hannah, hang in there.

Paula, I feel like I’m on a similar journey. Being a people pleaser and a writer is a funny thing.
Paula

Hi Mary! I got a rejection yesterday. ) I just have to tell you my story. I attended an emotional healing conference with a friend of mine because she was a speaker and didn’t know the group who put on the conference and just wanted a buddy. I’d gone through some deep emotional healing myself, so I invited a friend who “needed” the conference and tagged happily along. Of course I should have know God had something in store for me. He ended up taking my own healing to a new level–and He made me laugh so hard . .. I went to a class for those overcoming that horrible people pleasing syndrome and the teacher said, “If you’ve been in the situation I’ve just described,” (and I had) “then you need to take risks, to fail, to face rejection and learn that it’s okay.” And I thought God called to write because He wanted to say something through me. I mean how many professions get to face as much gut-wrenching rejection as a writer? God never does anything half way or for just one person. I do hope He has something to say through my writing, but I know that He is also using this journey for my emotional healing. The teacher was right. This rejection stuff has been good for me. I’m learning that it really doesn’t matter. I am whole without the sale.
Paula

Hi Mary! I got a rejection yesterday. )

I just have to tell you my story. I attended an emotional healing conference with a friend of mine because she was a speaker and didn’t know the group who put on the conference and just wanted a buddy. I’d gone through some deep emotional healing myself, so I invited a friend who “needed” the conference and tagged happily along.

Of course I should have know God had something in store for me. He ended up taking my own healing to a new level–and He made me laugh so hard . ..

I went to a class for those overcoming that horrible people pleasing syndrome and the teacher said, “If you’ve been in the situation I’ve just described,” (and I had) “then you need to take risks, to fail, to face rejection and learn that it’s okay.”

And I thought God called to write because He wanted to say something through me. I mean how many professions get to face as much gut-wrenching rejection as a writer? God never does anything half way or for just one person. I do hope He has something to say through my writing, but I know that He is also using this journey for my emotional healing.

The teacher was right. This rejection stuff has been good for me. I’m learning that it really doesn’t matter. I am whole without the sale.
Peasant Queen

Mary, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple weeks and have really enjoyed your writing. This post especially made me smile. I, too, received a rejection slip this past week, and it IS hard to separate the rejection of my writing from a rejction of who I am. But I know God has a plan for both of our writing in His time. I’m glad you shared your story. Julia sounds like a precious little girl.
Peasant Queen

Mary, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple weeks and have really enjoyed your writing. This post especially made me smile.

I, too, received a rejection slip this past week, and it IS hard to separate the rejection of my writing from a rejction of who I am. But I know God has a plan for both of our writing in His time. I’m glad you shared your story. Julia sounds like a precious little girl.
Anonymous

Mary,I love how you write and how open and honest you are. I know you will keep writing. You have to. It’s part of who God made you to be, a writer! I also know you keep submitting your book proposals even in the face of rejection. And I will be praying and cheering you on! Becky G
Anonymous

Mary,
I love how you write and how open and honest you are. I know you will keep writing. You have to. It’s part of who God made you to be, a writer! I also know you keep submitting your book proposals even in the face of rejection. And I will be praying and cheering you on! Becky G
deidre

And to think I believed myself to be the only rejectee in this biz… Mary, I must say, this is not good! My awareness that I am not alone (moreover, in profoundly talented company) eradicates all reasoning for brazen self-pity and irrational Twinkie binges. I once decided to paper my entire office in rejection letters. A year later and with one wall almost completely concealed, my hubby finally put an end to my madness. He said he was concerned that the wall irrefutably proved my insanity and that our insurance coverage denied recompense toward such extravagances as straight jackets and shock therapy. But for the grace of God…
deidre

And to think I believed myself to be the only rejectee in this biz… Mary, I must say, this is not good! My awareness that I am not alone (moreover, in profoundly talented company) eradicates all reasoning for brazen self-pity and irrational Twinkie binges.

I once decided to paper my entire office in rejection letters. A year later and with one wall almost completely concealed, my hubby finally put an end to my madness. He said he was concerned that the wall irrefutably proved my insanity and that our insurance coverage denied recompense toward such extravagances as straight jackets and shock therapy.

But for the grace of God…
john the step dad

I went shopping for a new pair of shoes (I’m told I should not wear tennis shoes in France). The shoes looked very nice and were in my price range. I have big feet and so many stores have few shoes that are really my size. I tried these walking shoes on, walked around the store, stood on my toes really trying to get the feel of them. I knew I’d be wearing them for hours on end. Well, I didn’t buy them! They just didn’t feel right – they were the right size, color and style but they were not what I was looking for for this trip. Maybe I can go barefoot and just bare my sole. I know this little story is silly but I wanted to let you know that I to love you more than tortilla soup.
john the step dad

I went shopping for a new pair of shoes (I’m told I should not wear tennis shoes in France). The shoes looked very nice and were in my price range. I have big feet and so many stores have few shoes that are really my size. I tried these walking shoes on, walked around the store, stood on my toes really trying to get the feel of them. I knew I’d be wearing them for hours on end. Well, I didn’t buy them! They just didn’t feel right – they were the right size, color and style but they were not what I was looking for for this trip. Maybe I can go barefoot and just bare my sole. I know this little story is silly but I wanted to let you know that I to love you more than tortilla soup.
relevantgirl

Thanks Kathleen and Kate! Your words are an encouragement!
relevantgirl

Thanks Kathleen and Kate! Your words are an encouragement!
katelet327

That’s sooooo sweet!!!!Keep writing. I agree with the above. It just means not yet. We all know you can write, we’ve seen ya do it! Kate
katelet327

That’s sooooo sweet!!!!
Keep writing. I agree with the above. It just means not yet. We all know you can write, we’ve seen ya do it!
Kate
Katy

Keep writing, Mary. It only means, “not yet.” I enjoyed your post. Thank you.
Katy

Keep writing, Mary. It only means, “not yet.” I enjoyed your post. Thank you.